My wife and I have been going through a rough patch. There’s problems we’re working on, but we’re especially focusing on communication.
Earlier tonight we were sitting on the couch after dinner. She was scrolling through Instagram so I asked if I could come over and watch the reels I sent her. She said yes so I came over and cuddled up to her. After watching some stuff, I leaned over and kissed her on her cheek.
She kind of recoiled and asked what I was doing with a tone of disgust. I told her I was just trying to kiss her on the cheek. She then gave me a weird look and said “why?”. I said I felt like I didn’t need a reason and just wanted to show her some affection. She then returned to scrolling and I left about 30 seconds later feeling very rejected.
I came back after a couple minutes and she asked if I was sad. I responded by saying yeah and after she didn’t respond I left to go play games. After about 10 minutes she came in and said how I had no right to be acting upset like this is some rejection when I was the one that came into her space and rubbed my face on her without her consent. I apologized and said I didn’t realize I crossed a line. I said we’ve kissed each other on the cheek plenty and didn’t realize I needed consent everytime. I asked if she wanted me to explicitly ask next time and she said yes.
We’ve had some small follow up discussions but I can’t really understand what I did wrong. She said how I’m handling things is annoying because it’s always about my feelings when if anyone should be upset it should be her. I honestly think her seeing me sad is a trigger that makes her angry but I’m only sad because of how disgusted she acted when I was just trying to show some love. We’ve had plenty discussions about me feeling rejected so maybe she’s just sick of it? Is there anyone that can help give me perspective or is this not save-able? I don’t want to be in a marriage where I can’t kiss my wife or show her love without having to overthink things.
Alright, let’s not dance around this—your marriage is in trouble, but it’s not unsalvageable. The question is: are both of you willing to do the work? Because this isn’t just about a kiss on the cheek; it’s about boundaries, communication, unmet needs, and unresolved pain that’s bubbling to the surface in ways that feel hurtful and confusing.
Let’s start with the kiss. You were trying to express affection, to connect, and in your mind, it was a small, loving gesture. For her, though, it felt like an intrusion into her personal space. That disconnect isn’t just about the moment—it’s about the bigger context of where your relationship is right now. When trust and emotional intimacy are shaky, even the smallest gestures can feel loaded. To you, it’s a kiss. To her, it might feel like pressure or expectation, especially if she’s already feeling distant or overwhelmed.
Here’s the first hard truth: your feelings of rejection are valid, but they’re not the whole story. She’s clearly feeling something big, too—anger, frustration, maybe even resentment—and instead of addressing it head-on, you’re both stuck reacting to each other’s emotional wounds. You feel hurt by her disgust; she feels angry that your hurt is overshadowing hers. It’s a cycle that’s keeping both of you stuck.
So, what do you do?
First, you need to shift your mindset. Stop focusing on what you think you should be able to do in your marriage—like kiss your wife without “overthinking”—and start focusing on what your wife is trying to communicate. Right now, she’s telling you she feels invaded, unheard, and maybe even disconnected from you. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that she doesn’t love you, but it does mean you’ve got work to do.
Second, you need to stop treating her boundaries as a personal rejection. Her asking for consent, even for something as small as a cheek kiss, might feel like a slap in the face because it wasn’t a rule before. But relationships evolve, and boundaries shift, especially when you’re going through a rough patch. Instead of feeling insulted, get curious. Ask her why this boundary matters to her right now. What’s changed? And don’t ask to prove her wrong or justify yourself—ask to understand.
Third, you’ve got to address the elephant in the room: resentment. Both of you are carrying it. You resent feeling like you can’t express love without getting shot down, and she likely resents feeling like your sadness makes her the bad guy. You won’t solve this by tiptoeing around each other or keeping score. You’ve got to have the hard conversation about what’s really going on beneath the surface. What’s missing in the relationship? Where do you both feel unheard or unseen?
Finally, this is going to require outside help. You’re not going to untangle this dynamic alone. A skilled therapist can help both of you create a space to talk openly, to listen without defensiveness, and to rebuild trust. Because here’s the thing: you both want to feel loved, respected, and connected, but right now, you’re stuck in patterns that are doing the opposite.
Is this marriage saveable? Absolutely. But saving it isn’t about getting back to the way things used to be. It’s about creating something new—something stronger, more honest, and more respectful of both your needs. That takes work, but it’s worth it if you’re both willing to show up and do it.
And here’s the key: stop asking if this is just about her being “sick of it.” Start asking how you can show up for her in a way that feels supportive, not suffocating. Because when she feels safe and seen, the love you’re so eager to share will have a place to land.