"I don't think I want to marry my girlfriend of 5 years."

We live together, have a cat, and share a life. She plans everything—birthdays, trips, and even the little things on our calendar. She loves me deeply, and I love her too. But sometimes, I find myself daydreaming about a different future, imagining women who laugh more with me or fit better with my friends.

She’s kind, thoughtful, and pretty, but we don’t click intellectually, and she doesn’t fully “get” my creative side. I try to engage with her world—her job, her friends—but I often feel disconnected. Neither of us fits into the other’s social circles, and over the past year, I’ve grown uncertain about our future.

A few weeks ago, she told me how much she loves me. I said it back, but she noticed something was off and joked, “I don’t think you love me as much as I love you.” It stuck with me because it feels true.

Now, I’m at a crossroads: marry her or end it. The thought of marriage fills me with dread, but breaking up would devastate her. She’s my everything, but I’m not sure if I feel the same in return.

I haven’t told anyone about these doubts. I don’t want to hurt her or have people treat her differently. She’s happily planning vacations, while I’m stuck wondering if I’m wasting her time—or mine.

Is it normal to feel this way? If I end it, how do I do it without breaking her completely? If you were in my shoes—or hers—what would you want?

You’re standing at a fork in the road, but instead of choosing a path, you’re just staring at the map, hoping the decision will make itself. It won’t. You’ve got to step up and take action.

First, let’s deal with the elephant in the room: you don’t want to marry her. You’ve already said it, and you feel it in your gut. The fact that you’re imagining a future without her—over and over again—tells you everything you need to know. That’s not normal, and it’s not fair to either of you.

Now, let me be clear: this doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re not evil for realizing that the person you’re with may not be the one you want to spend your life with. But what would make you the villain in this story is sticking around out of fear, guilt, or laziness. You’re not protecting her by avoiding the truth; you’re stealing her time, her trust, and her chance to be with someone who’s all-in on her.

Here’s the hard truth: love alone isn’t enough for a marriage. It’s foundational, sure, but you also need shared values, respect, connection, and a commitment to growing together. Right now, it sounds like you’re not aligned on some pretty major fronts—intellect, lifestyle, and even social circles. That’s not a knock on either of you. It’s just reality.

You say breaking up would destroy her, but let me tell you something: she’s stronger than you think. Will it hurt? Of course. She’ll grieve, and it’ll be messy and heartbreaking, but she’ll survive. What she won’t survive is being with someone who doesn’t fully love her, someone who’s half in and half out. You’re not doing her any favors by staying out of guilt.

So here’s what you need to do:

Get clear on your decision. You already know deep down what you need to do, but take some quiet time to sit with it and own it. Stop waffling.
Have the hard conversation. Be honest and kind, but don’t sugarcoat it. Tell her that you care about her deeply but that you don’t see a future together. Don’t list all the reasons she’s “not enough”—focus on the fact that the relationship just isn’t the right fit for either of you long-term.
Let her grieve. You don’t get to manage her emotions or control how she reacts. She’ll hurt, but she’ll heal. And so will you.
Reflect and grow. You’ve already pinpointed the reasons this relationship isn’t working for you, but it’s important to dig deeper. Ask yourself why you stayed so long despite feeling this way. Were you afraid of being alone? Did you avoid conflict? Understanding your patterns will help you avoid repeating them in future relationships and ensure that when you’re ready, you’re truly ready to commit.

This will be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. But it’s also one of the most important. Marriage is too big of a deal to fake your way through it. Do the right thing—for both of you.

You’ve got this, my friend. It’s time to stop hiding and start living with integrity.