My partner is 40 and has nothing saved for retirement. He had been expecting a large inheritance from his father when he passed that ended up not materializing for reasons I won’t get into (I know, not exactly the most sound financial planning). I’m on track to be able to retire but there’s no way I can afford to save enough for us both. He’s also currently unemployed, he has been trying to get into a new field for the past two years that also may not end up materializing either. There’s a good chance he may be making very low wages for the foreseeable future, and it will be very difficult for him to catch up in any meaningful way.
I feel like a monster for wanting to break it off over this. We’ve been together for 8 years. I don’t want to live in poverty when I’m old if we stay together for the long haul, and it’s hard to see any possibility of that not happening. But I worry a lot for his future, and feel like I’m his only hope for any sort of stability going forward. He would be in way, way worse shape without my income.
What should I do?
Here’s the truth: love alone doesn’t solve financial problems. And while it’s easy to feel like you’re the villain here for thinking about the financial implications of your relationship, you’re not wrong to consider them. Money is one of the top stressors in any long-term relationship, and retirement isn’t just some far-off concept—it’s the future you’re building together. If your partner’s choices and circumstances are fundamentally incompatible with the life you want, it’s worth wrestling with those feelings instead of burying them.
Let’s Break This Down
- Separate Love from Responsibility -First, you’re not your partner’s savior. I know that’s hard to hear when you care so much about someone, but you can’t carry the burden of his financial stability on your shoulders. That’s not a partnership; that’s you playing the role of his safety net. And while it’s compassionate to want to help, that dynamic can quickly lead to resentment—on both sides.
He’s a 40-year-old adult, and it’s up to him to take ownership of his life, his career, and his financial future. Right now, it sounds like he’s relying on hope—a new field, a lucky break, or an inheritance that didn’t materialize. That’s not a plan; it’s wishful thinking. And you know as well as I do that hope isn’t a strategy.
- Don’t Ignore Your Needs – Your feelings matter. It’s not selfish to want financial security or a future where you’re not constantly stressed about money. You’ve worked hard to build a stable retirement plan, and it’s okay to feel protective of that. You have every right to set boundaries around what you’re willing to sacrifice—and what you’re not.
Here’s the thing: if you stay, but deep down you’re angry, frustrated, or feeling like you’re carrying the relationship alone, that will erode your love over time. You owe it to yourself—and to him—to be honest about whether this dynamic is sustainable.
- Have the Hard Conversation – Before making any decisions, you need to sit down with him and have an open, honest conversation. Not about his potential or what might happen in the future, but about where things stand right now. Lay it all out—his lack of savings, his career uncertainty, and what that means for your shared future.
Ask him: What’s your plan? What steps are you actively taking to create financial stability? Listen carefully to his response—not just to what he says, but to how he says it. Does he take ownership? Does he recognize the gravity of the situation? Or does he brush it off, get defensive, or rely on vague optimism?
This conversation will tell you a lot about whether he’s willing to step up and take responsibility for his life.
- Decide Based on Reality, Not Guilt – It’s okay to love someone and still recognize that you may not be able to build a life together. That doesn’t make you cruel—it makes you honest. Love is about showing up for each other, but it’s also about shared responsibility and partnership. If you’re the only one holding the financial weight while he drifts along without a plan, that’s not a partnership—it’s a lopsided dynamic that will likely breed frustration and burnout over time.
And here’s the tough truth: if he’s unwilling to take meaningful action to address his situation, staying together might mean choosing a life of financial instability for both of you. If that’s not a life you’re willing to live, you owe it to yourself—and to him—to be honest about that.
- If You Stay, Set Clear Boundaries – If you decide to stay and move forward together, this needs to be a team effort. That means:
- He needs to create a concrete plan for his career and financial future.
- You both need to be transparent about money, goals, and expectations.
- You need to set boundaries around what you are and aren’t willing to sacrifice financially.
This isn’t about punishing him or giving him ultimatums—it’s about building a life where you both feel respected and supported.
The Bottom Line
You’re not a monster for wanting financial security or a stable retirement. You’re not cruel for questioning whether this relationship is sustainable in the long run. But you also can’t shoulder the burden of someone else’s life for them.
At the end of the day, this comes down to one question: Is he willing to take ownership of his life and meet you halfway? If he is, there’s hope for a partnership where you work through these challenges together. If he’s not, you have to ask yourself if you’re willing to take on the financial and emotional cost of staying.
Whatever you decide, do it with honesty, compassion, and a clear-eyed view of reality—not guilt. You deserve a life that’s built on partnership, not dependence. And so does he.