I’m 33m, and literally my entire life I’ve been mistaken for a gay man on initial impressions. All my friends I have now thought it, my former best friend of 25 years, and even my own brother told me–while drunk–that if I was gay he’d fully support me. Its sort of pissing me off, tbh.
People think I am gay because I am well dressed, attractive, lean, don’t watch sports, have a light voice, and very open with mental health/emotional struggles. And when I see something cute like a dog i’ll say “aww!” because its fucking cute, not because I like dick. I developed this persona because my brother and father gave off extremely toxic masculine vibes growing up, and held everything in so they can have a rage induced breakdown later. I intentionally became the opposite because anything masculine, to me as a kid, seemed awful and fake. I also noticed it made people more comfortable when I acted similar to my mother, so I leaned into that a bit heavily without realizing how it would effect my dating life growing up.
Ive had 2 different dates this past month where one of the women I hooked up with told me that my feminine energy made her feel safe. And then the date immediately after told me that I am very easy to talk to, but didn’t feel anything sexually with me and that I came off as a “best friend”.
What exactly makes a man more masculine while dating?
Your voice and mannerisms might naturally lead people to make certain assumptions about you. That’s not inherently a bad thing—it’s just something to be aware of if it’s not aligning with how you want to be perceived. You don’t need to overhaul your personality or force yourself into some hyper-masculine mold to change this. Instead, the key is to set the tone early and give people a clearer picture of who you are and what you’re about.
If you want to make it clear you’re into women, drop a few natural hints early on. Mention an ex-girlfriend in a story, casually talk about what you find attractive, or share a funny dating experience. These little context clues subtly reinforce that you’re a straight man without feeling forced or unnatural. It’s all about being intentional in how you communicate while staying true to yourself.
It’s clear you’ve leaned heavily into the caring, emotionally open side of your personality—and that’s awesome. But don’t forget, you’ve got testosterone running through you. It’s okay to let that energy show. Being masculine doesn’t mean being a jerk or shutting off your emotions; it means embracing your confidence, your drive, and your desire unapologetically. You’ve clearly distanced yourself from the toxic masculine behaviors you saw growing up, which is commendable. But it seems like you’ve swung too far in the opposite direction. There’s a middle ground here. You can be strong, assertive, and confident while still being empathetic and respectful.
At the end of the day, this isn’t about trying to prove something to anyone. It’s about showing up as your full self—a man who’s confident in who he is and clear about what he wants. That kind of energy is what draws people in and sets the right tone.