A couple of years ago, I met my best friend, a straight man (27), while he was in a long-distance relationship. I’m a straight woman (26), and we became instant best friends, spending a lot of time together. Nothing ever crossed the line—we’ve never kissed or been overly touchy—but I developed strong feelings for him a few months after we met. While our friends noticed the chemistry and warned him to be less flirty, he never pulled back. Now, I’m at his wedding weekend.
He’s everything I imagine in a future husband—fun to be around, supportive, and practical—except for the fact that he’s marrying someone else. I’ve tried to move on by dating, but no one has come close to him. His fiancée is wonderful, and I believe they’re a great match, but it’s painful to watch someone I love marry someone else. A part of me is happy for him, but another part feels like I’m losing the one person who truly understands and supports me.
I’ve never been in a relationship, and this friendship is the closest I’ve ever come to one. I always hoped they’d break up, though I felt guilty for thinking that. Now that they’ve made it to the wedding, I feel like I’m losing not just him as a friend, but a chance at love. I’ve never told him how I feel because I didn’t want to risk losing our friendship, which has been my biggest source of joy and support over the past two years.
This weekend has been incredibly lonely since only a few people know how I feel. I worry that I’ll compare anyone I date to him and that no one will measure up. I don’t want to lose him as a friend, but I also don’t want to lose myself in this friendship. What should I do? Please be gentle—I don’t do well with tough love!
First, let me acknowledge how hard this is. It feels like your world is unraveling while you stand on the sidelines watching someone else live the life you thought you might share. It’s a uniquely painful experience, and it’s okay to grieve what you’ve lost—even if that loss is a dream and not the reality of a relationship.
But here’s the truth: the person you love isn’t yours to love in that way. You’ve built him up as the “perfect” guy for you, but perfection is an illusion—especially in relationships that exist only in our heads. You’ve never shared the day-to-day realities of life with him. You’ve never navigated arguments, disappointments, or compromises together. Instead, you’ve filled in the blanks with the best possible version of him. And no real person, no matter how wonderful, could live up to that image.
This doesn’t mean the feelings you have aren’t real or valid. They are. But continuing to hold onto them will only keep you stuck in a place where you can’t move forward. The best thing you can do now—the healthiest thing—is to create distance. You don’t have to cut him out of your life completely, but you do need to step back. Let go of the constant communication, the long hangouts, and the emotional closeness that have blurred the lines between friendship and something more. Distance will give you the space to heal and start to see him as just a friend, rather than the man you’ve imagined as your “what if.”
Yes, it will hurt. A lot. But pain is a part of growth, and this pain will pass. With time and distance, you’ll gain perspective on this relationship and begin to see it for what it was—a meaningful friendship, not a love story. And as hard as it is to hear, he’s made his choice. He chose his wife. If he wanted to be with you, he would have been. That’s not meant to be harsh; it’s simply the reality of the situation. Accepting this reality is the first step toward freeing yourself.
Your “perfect person” is out there, but you won’t find them while you’re emotionally tethered to someone who isn’t available. Use this experience as a guide. The qualities you admire in your friend can serve as a blueprint for the kind of partner you want in the future, but the most important thing to look for in any relationship is mutual love and commitment. The right person will choose you just as wholeheartedly as you choose them.
In the meantime, take care of yourself. Surround yourself with people who love you. Focus on your hobbies, your goals, and your own growth. And if you’re struggling to process all of this, consider talking to a therapist. They can help you untangle your emotions and move forward in a way that feels healthy and empowering.
This chapter is ending, but your story isn’t over. There’s so much life left to live and so much love still to find. Choose yourself first, and everything else will follow.