"Wife cheated on me with another woman, says it's not real cheating"

My head won’t stop spinning and I feel like the ground won’t keep up. Barely slept ever since she confessed.

I found out this “Charlie” was actually Christine. I know this woman, she’s an acquaintance of us. My wife says they were planning to talk to me about this and produced some texts that seem to confirm it.

She says I shouldn’t feel bad, because it’s not with a man. She says that as a man I satisfy her, but she needed to explore the possibilities with a woman. I don’t understand why she didn’t just tell me, we could have talked about it, but she lied and hid things.

Wife refuses to consider this cheating, but apologized for the lies and secrecy. She says she’s cutting off Christine for now, and she understands I feel betrayed, but she’s sure this will ‘blow over’ and we’ll be stronger than ever. She says Christine expressed interest in me, and she was considering it. She says many guys would feel extremely lucky in my place but she respects my feelings.

I don’t know where to put my head.

Your wife cheated. Period. Doesn’t matter if it’s with a man, a woman, or the moon. Cheating is cheating because it’s a violation of trust, a betrayal of the commitments you both made to each other. Her trying to spin this as “not real cheating” is just her way of minimizing her actions and dodging accountability. That’s manipulation, plain and simple.

She didn’t respect you enough to bring this up before acting on it. Instead, she lied, hid it, and only confessed when she probably had no choice. And now, she’s trying to gaslight you into thinking you’re the one overreacting, that somehow this is something you should feel “lucky” about. That’s not love. That’s selfishness.

Here’s the harsh truth: if she truly respected and valued you, she would’ve come to you first. She didn’t. And her apology? It’s hollow. She’s sorry for the lies but not for the betrayal itself. That’s not accountability; that’s damage control.

You’re spinning right now because your gut knows the truth—you’ve been betrayed in a way that cuts deep, and her actions have shown you where her priorities are. You don’t owe her a chance to “blow over” this mess while you’re left picking up the emotional pieces. And the whole “Christine was interested in you too” angle? That’s just her throwing out a distraction to keep you off balance. It’s a cheap move.

Here’s the deal: staying in this relationship means you’ll constantly question her honesty, her loyalty, and her respect for you. That’s no way to live. You deserve a partner who sees you as an equal, not as someone to manipulate or keep in the dark while they explore their own desires.

So my advice? Take your power back. Get out of this relationship. Yes, it’s going to hurt, and yes, it’s going to be messy—but staying will hurt even more in the long run. Find a good therapist to help you process this, lean on your friends and family for support, and start building a life where trust, respect, and honesty are non-negotiable.

If you decide to stay, you’re signing up for a long, uphill battle—one where you’ll need to rebuild trust brick by brick, and that’s only possible if your wife is 100% committed to owning what she did and doing the work to repair the damage.

Here’s what that looks like:

Accountability First: She has to fully own her betrayal. No excuses, no minimizing, no “it wasn’t real cheating” nonsense. If she’s not willing to call it what it is, there’s no foundation to rebuild on.
Total Transparency: She needs to be an open book—texts, calls, everything. If you’re going to trust her again, she has to prove she’s trustworthy. That’s not about controlling her; it’s about her earning back what she destroyed.
Couples Therapy: This isn’t something you can fix alone. A professional will help you both navigate the mess, but she has to be fully on board and willing to face some hard truths about herself.
Set Clear Boundaries: If you’re going to give her another chance, there need to be non-negotiable boundaries. No more lies, no more secrets, and absolutely no Christine. Ever.
Take Your Time: Healing from this kind of betrayal isn’t a quick fix. You’ll question her, the relationship, and yourself for a long time. And that’s okay. But if at any point she starts pressuring you to “move on” faster than you’re ready, that’s a red flag.

And let’s be clear—this is the bare minimum she needs to bring to the table. If she resists any of it or keeps trying to justify what she did, that’s your answer: she’s not serious about repairing what she broke.

But here’s the question you need to ask yourself: Do you even want to stay? Because forgiveness and moving forward aren’t just about whether she’s willing to put in the work—it’s about whether you can ever look at her the same way again. Can you rebuild trust without resentment eating away at you? Can you genuinely feel secure and respected in this relationship after what she’s done?

If the answer is no—and it very well might be—don’t waste your time trying to fix something that’s already shattered beyond repair. Sometimes walking away isn’t giving up; it’s choosing yourself and your dignity. Only you can decide what’s worth fighting for, but don’t lose sight of your own worth in the process.