I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost three years. She’s had two past relationships, both of which ended because the guys cheated on her. She hasn’t spoken to her first ex in six years and the other one in four years.
Recently, her first ex messaged her to “catch up.” She told me about it and said she planned to reply. I told her I didn’t see the point in talking to him after so long but made it clear I wouldn’t stop her.
Since then, she’s mentioned a few messages from him, but I suspect they’ve been talking more than she’s let on. Today, she said he suggested they meet for drinks with a few mutual friends. I told her I wasn’t comfortable with that. When she asked why, I explained it felt disrespectful to go drinking with an ex. She insisted it was just to catch up with friends, but I repeated my feelings.
I told her if she chose to go, it would be the end of our relationship—I won’t stand by while she’s out with her ex. She said I was being controlling, but I see it as setting boundaries about what I’m okay with in a relationship. She thinks I should be fine with it, but I’m not.
Here’s the bottom line: if your girlfriend wants to catch up with her ex—even in a group setting—it’s fair to ask why you’re not included. That’s not insecurity; that’s a question of respect. She’s essentially telling you she’s okay hanging out with someone who betrayed her trust in the past, and that’s hard to wrap your head around.
Let’s be real here—this isn’t just a casual hangout. There’s a reason this situation is making you uncomfortable, and it’s not because you’re trying to control her. It’s because respect and trust go hand in hand in any relationship. The fact that she’s entertaining his messages and now considering a night out with him sends a signal that she’s prioritizing this reconnection over your feelings.
You’re not wrong to set boundaries. Boundaries are about protecting the relationship, not controlling the other person. If she values your relationship, she should be willing to step back and consider how her actions are affecting you. And if she’s not? That’s a sign you shouldn’t ignore.
Have the hard conversation. Lay it out clearly: this isn’t about jealousy—it’s about the choices we make that show respect for the people we love. If she can’t see that, then it’s worth asking whether you’re on the same page about what this relationship means to both of you. You deserve someone who values your trust as much as you value theirs.