I’m struggling with my in-laws and could really use some advice. My wife’s parents, both in their early 60s, have always been irresponsible with money. About three years ago, my father-in-law received a $300,000 settlement. Against our warnings, he invested it all in risky stocks, lost nearly everything, and now they’re broke.
They constantly complain about not being able to afford basic expenses like groceries and utilities but refuse to go back to work, claiming they’re too old and it’s beneath them. Meanwhile, my wife and I are trying to save for our own family and two young kids.
They’ve asked us for money several times, and though we’ve tried discussing budgeting and smarter choices, they won’t listen. They say we should help them because we’re family, but I feel like they’re taking advantage of us.
How can we support them without enabling their poor decisions? Is there a way to set boundaries while still showing we care? I’m at a loss and would appreciate any advice.
This is a tough spot, and I can feel the weight of what you’re carrying. You’re trying to balance compassion for your in-laws with the very real responsibility to protect your own family’s future. That’s no small task, and the fact that you’re asking these questions shows how much you care. Let’s unpack this.
First, you are not their retirement plan—and you shouldn’t be. Financial generosity is a choice, not an obligation, even when it comes to family. Your primary responsibility is to your wife, your kids, and your own financial stability. If you sacrifice that to bail out your in-laws, you’re putting your family on the same shaky ground they’re on now. That’s not love—it’s enabling.
Second, it’s critical to set boundaries, and this part might feel uncomfortable. Boundaries aren’t about being cruel or withholding care—they’re about creating clarity. You and your wife need to get on the same page and decide what you’re willing to do and what you’re not. Maybe it’s providing groceries instead of cash. Maybe it’s offering to help them explore government assistance programs. But if you decide not to give money, that’s okay, too. Saying no is sometimes the most loving thing you can do.
Third, you can’t control how they respond, but you can control how you act. When people are backed into a corner, their first reaction is often to double down on old habits, even if those habits are what got them there in the first place. That’s not yours to fix. What you can do is offer guidance if they’re willing to listen—point them toward resources like financial counselors or even community programs that can help. But if they refuse? That’s on them, not you.
Finally, I want you to recognize this: what happened to them doesn’t have to happen to you. You’re in a position to break this cycle by staying disciplined and focused on your own family’s future. The hard truth is, their situation is the result of years of choices. It’s not about punishing them—it’s about ensuring that your kids don’t have to navigate this same conversation with you decades down the line.
This is hard, no doubt about it. But you’re not being selfish by protecting your family. You’re being responsible. Lead with love, clarity, and firm boundaries. And remember—helping someone doesn’t always mean giving them what they want. Sometimes, it means stepping back and letting them take responsibility for their own lives.