Most of us would rather jump into a freezing lake than hear the words, “Can I give you some feedback?” It’s like the universal prelude to a sucker punch—except instead of hitting your face, it goes straight for your ego. Feedback feels personal because it is personal. It’s about you, your work, your choices, and sometimes even your character. And that can sting.
But here’s the thing: Feedback is a gift. A weird, uncomfortable, sometimes-awkward gift—but a gift nonetheless. And just like with any gift, the way you receive it matters as much as the gift itself.
Why Feedback Feels So Hard
First, let’s get real about why feedback is tough to take. It pokes at two core human fears:
- The fear of inadequacy – “What if they’re right? What if I’m not enough?”
- The fear of rejection – “If I screwed up, will they still value me?”
We’re wired to seek connection and avoid pain, and feedback can feel like a grenade thrown into both of those arenas. But the reality is, the people who care enough to give you honest feedback are often the ones rooting for you the hardest. They’re not tossing grenades—they’re handing you keys to unlock doors you might not even see yet.
How to Receive Feedback with Courage
Feedback, whether it’s from a boss, a partner, or your toddler screaming that your pancakes are “weird,” is always an opportunity to learn something. But receiving it well takes a deep breath and a little humility. Here’s how to start:
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Separate the feedback from your identity. – What you do isn’t who you are. A critique of your work or behavior isn’t a critique of your worth. Period.
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Assume good intent. – Most feedback isn’t meant to tear you down—it’s meant to help you grow. Even if it’s delivered clumsily, try to hear the heart behind it.
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Resist the urge to defend. – Your gut reaction might be to explain, justify, or deflect. Don’t. Instead, listen. Take a beat. Then respond with, “Thank you for sharing that. I need to think about it.”
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Ask for specifics. – Vague feedback isn’t helpful. If someone says, “You need to communicate better,” ask, “Can you give me an example of where I fell short?” Clear feedback helps you take clear action.
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Own what’s yours—and let the rest go. – Not all feedback is fair or accurate. Reflect on what’s helpful and let the rest roll off your back like water off a duck.
How to Give Feedback with Grace
Now, let’s flip the script. When it’s your turn to give feedback, remember: You’re not a drill sergeant or a prosecutor. Your goal is to help someone succeed, not leave them demoralized.
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Check your motives. – Are you giving feedback to genuinely help—or to vent your frustration? Start from a place of kindness and respect.
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Be specific and actionable. – Telling someone they “need to improve” is about as helpful as saying “try harder.” Instead, point to specific behaviors and suggest practical next steps.
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Balance truth with encouragement – Feedback lands better when it’s balanced with genuine appreciation. Say, “I loved how you handled XYZ, and here’s one way you could take it even further.”
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Give them space to respond. – After sharing your thoughts, ask, “What are your thoughts on this?” or “How does that sit with you?” Remember, feedback is a conversation, not a monologue.
Feedback Is the Fuel for Growth
Here’s the bottom line: Feedback isn’t about winning or losing. It’s about learning. It’s about inviting others to see the blind spots we can’t see on our own and trusting that they care enough to point them out.
Is feedback uncomfortable? Absolutely. But discomfort is where growth happens. If you only stay where it’s cozy and safe, you’ll miss out on the chance to become the best version of yourself. And let’s be real—that’s way worse than the temporary sting of hearing, “You could’ve handled that better.”
So, the next time someone offers you feedback, don’t roll your eyes or shut down. Take a deep breath, unwrap the gift, and ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” Because on the other side of that uncomfortable moment might be the breakthrough you’ve been waiting for.