My husband and I became teen parents when I was 16, and he was 18. We got married, believing it was best for our daughter to have both parents together. Looking back, I know it wasn’t the right decision, but I thought we could make it work.
We had three kids—two sons and a daughter. While he went to college in Boston, I stayed in SF with the kids, finishing high school but not pursuing college because he wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom. I agreed, hoping to maintain harmony. During our marriage, I handled almost all the housework, parenting, and scheduling. He was busy with work and played with the kids when home but didn’t engage in discipline or our relationship much. When I disciplined the kids, he often sided with them, which was frustrating. Still, I loved him and tried to make it work, even though I felt neglected.
In 2021, I discovered he had cheated with a co-worker. He begged for therapy, but I filed for divorce. We parted peacefully, splitting custody—he has the kids on weekends, and I have them during the week. Post-divorce, he criticized me for going out and the way I dressed, shaming me for moving on.
A few hours ago, he called, crying and begging me to come back, saying he missed his old life. I listened until he hung up and then cried for an hour. I know I can’t go back—it wouldn’t be fair to me or the kids. But I’m struggling to figure out how to reject him without causing more hurt.
Let’s take a deep breath here, and I want you to listen carefully to what he actually said.
He didn’t say he misses you—your laugh, your heart, your partnership. He said he misses his old life. That’s a big difference. What he’s grieving right now isn’t you; it’s the comfort, the routine, the convenience of having you hold everything together while he floated along. That’s not love. That’s nostalgia for a life where he didn’t have to step up.
I know his words stirred up old feelings and probably tugged at your heart. That’s normal. You spent years building a life with him, even if it wasn’t a healthy or equal partnership. But you’re not responsible for his regret or his pain now. You gave everything you had to that marriage, and when he shattered it, you found the strength to walk away and rebuild.
It’s okay to be compassionate, but don’t mistake his desperation for love. If he truly loved you, he wouldn’t be trying to drag you back into a life that left you feeling unseen and alone. The best thing you can do—for him, for your kids, and for yourself—is to stay grounded in the truth. And the truth is, you deserve a life where you’re loved and valued for who you are, not for the role you play in someone else’s comfort.
So how do you reject him without upsetting him? Here’s the hard truth: you can’t control how he feels. You can only control how you respond. Be kind but firm. Let him know you’ve moved on, that your focus is on creating a healthy, fulfilling life for you and your kids. His feelings are his to manage—not yours to fix.
And then let it go. You don’t owe him his old life back. You owe yourself a new one.