My husband has extreme mood swings. On one hand, he’s kind and thoughtful—he’ll rub my feet after work, run errands if I forget something, and genuinely tries to help. But on the other, he loses his temper over small things, making the household tense and uncomfortable. We’ve been married for 4 years, together for 7, and each have a child from previous relationships.
This morning, during distance learning, the Zoom meeting wouldn’t work, and he started slamming doors and cabinets, storming in and out of the house. When his 10-year-old daughter got distracted, he screamed at her, yelling profanities. She ran to her room and slammed the door. I hate that this is becoming normal for her.
These outbursts didn’t start until after we got married, and now they happen almost daily. Anytime I bring up a concern, he blows up and twists it back on me. If he doesn’t like what I say, it’s the same reaction. I feel trapped. I love him, but I wonder if this is who he’s always been. His family jokes about his temper, recalling incidents like kicking a school computer when he was younger—but they laugh it off.
I suggested we see someone to work on managing anger together, but he dismissed me, saying, “It’s not like I want to be pissed.” My daughter notices his behavior and even asks why he’s so angry all the time. I still love him, but his outbursts are affecting everyone, and I’m at a loss for what to do.
Let’s call this what it is: your husband is acting like a child, and it’s wreaking havoc on your home. Slamming doors, yelling at a 10-year-old, and refusing to take responsibility for his behavior isn’t just “mood swings”—it’s immature, destructive, and completely unacceptable. You can’t keep tiptoeing around his outbursts, hoping things will magically get better. They won’t.
Let me be blunt: his anger isn’t the kids’ fault, it’s not your fault, and it’s not because of Zoom meetings. It’s his fault. He’s a grown man who’s decided that throwing tantrums and making everyone miserable is an acceptable way to deal with frustration. It’s not. He’s teaching his daughter—and yours—that this is how adults handle problems, and that’s a lesson you cannot let them learn.
You tried to handle this compassionately by suggesting counseling, and he dismissed you with some half-baked excuse about not wanting to be angry. That’s not good enough. Adults take responsibility for their actions, even when it’s hard. He’s choosing not to, and that leaves you with a choice: either you accept this behavior as your new normal, or you set some hard boundaries and demand change.
Here’s what that looks like: tell him straight up that his behavior is unacceptable and it stops now. If he’s unwilling to go to counseling, you need to go on your own to figure out your next steps. And don’t let him twist this back on you—this isn’t about you being too sensitive or unreasonable. This is about him acting like a grown-up and respecting the people who live with him.
Let me also be clear: loving him isn’t enough to justify letting him keep doing this. Love without accountability is just enabling. You deserve a home that’s calm, safe, and supportive—and so do those kids. Stop walking on eggshells and hoping he’ll change. If he won’t take the steps to grow up and take control of his behavior, you need to seriously ask yourself if this is the kind of environment you want to live in—or raise kids in—for the rest of your life. Because it won’t fix itself, and you can’t fix it for him. Only he can do that, but it starts with you refusing to tolerate it anymore.