I make about three times what my partner earns. Despite a tough past, I worked hard, earned a master’s degree, and now make six figures. My partner also had a difficult life, works hard, but earns much less and had $20k in debt when we started dating. I knew this going in and have always been supportive, covering more bills and occasionally lending him money.
Two years in, we’re talking about marriage. Last year, I helped him plan a strategy to pay off his debt, even transferring some to my credit card to save on interest. However, after a year of travel and expenses, I found out he’s now $9k deeper in debt, despite my financial support and his assurances that he wasn’t adding to it.
When I confronted him, he admitted embarrassment, poor money management, and wanting to spoil me like I do him. I made it clear I couldn’t marry someone who doesn’t take finances seriously. He agreed to stop paying rent and focus on his debt, but progress has been slow, and he avoids discussing the details.
He’s considering going back to school but worries about earning less initially, while I’ve stressed the importance of financial stability if we want kids. He says I make him feel “small” when I bring up money, but I only do it because of past financial missteps and my concerns about transparency.
Other than finances, our relationship is great, but I’m scared to marry someone who avoids accountability and doesn’t prioritize financial well-being. Has anyone been through something similar? How did you handle it?
Marriage is a partnership, and part of that partnership means being on the same team when it comes to your future. Right now, it sounds like you’re playing two very different games. You’re hustling to build security and stability, while he’s struggling with accountability and feeling shame about his financial decisions. Neither of you is winning here because you’re not aligned on the same vision.
Your partner’s response—avoiding money conversations, feeling “small,” and acting like your concerns are about greed rather than building a strong foundation—signals deeper issues. This isn’t just about money; it’s about communication, shared goals, and whether you both feel like you’re in this together.
Here’s what I’d recommend:
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Get clear on your non-negotiables. If financial stability is a must for you (and it sounds like it is), that’s okay. Own it. You’re allowed to want a partner who takes financial accountability seriously, especially if you’re thinking about kids and a future together.
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Create space for honesty. Sit down and have a real, open conversation—not just about debt but about what you both want your life to look like. This isn’t about accusing or blaming; it’s about understanding where each of you stands.
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Address the shame. Your partner is likely feeling embarrassed and defensive because money can carry a lot of emotional weight. Acknowledge his hard work and let him know you’re not attacking him—you’re trying to build a partnership where both of you can thrive.
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Set boundaries. If he’s not willing to take action on his debt, explore new job opportunities, or have honest conversations about money, that’s a problem. A marriage without transparency and accountability is like building a house on sand—it won’t hold.
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Consider counseling. Money issues aren’t just financial; they’re relational. A counselor can help you navigate these conversations, unpack deeper insecurities, and figure out how to move forward together—or not.
Here’s the hard truth: love isn’t enough. It’s essential, but so are trust, shared values, and a willingness to do hard things together. You can’t make your partner step up, but you can decide what kind of future you’re willing to commit to. Don’t ignore the fear in your gut. It’s telling you something important. Listen to it.
You deserve a partnership that feels like a team effort, where you’re both pushing each other to grow, to be better, and to build a life you’re proud of. Keep that vision in front of you as you make your decision. You’ve got this.