My friend (M39) wants me (F45) to save him from being homeless, and I’ve been avoiding his calls.
His girlfriend kicked him out of the house they’ve shared for 10 years (she’s been there 5). The lease is in her name now because, after a domestic violence (DV) incident, she got a no-contact order against him, which was later rescinded. Recently, she discovered he’d been cheating on her and revoked her consent to contact. Legally, he’s now barred from returning, and his name was removed from the lease due to the DV history.
Now, he’s left with no income, no savings, and nowhere to go. He’s been asking to stay at my place, but it’s not an option. One of my housemates feels uncomfortable around him, another has issues with his disregard for COVID boundaries, and frankly, I’m irritated after watching how he treated his girlfriend. There’s also just no space for him here.
I need help figuring out how to tell him no. He’s been blowing up my phone, and I don’t even want to talk to him right now. As much as I’m disgusted with how he’s acted, we’ve been friends for a long time, and I feel awful leaving him in such a desperate situation. I know he’s scared of ending up homeless, and part of me wonders if I’m being too cold-hearted.
Is there another way I should approach this?
First off, I can hear the weight in your words—you’re feeling torn between loyalty to a long-time friend and the reality of his actions and your own boundaries. But let me be clear: you are not his savior. His choices—every single one of them—brought him to this moment. Not you. Not his girlfriend. Him.
This guy cheated on his girlfriend, ignored boundaries, and was involved in a domestic violence situation serious enough to involve the law. Those aren’t just “mistakes.” Those are patterns of behavior that show he’s been living in a way that hurts people around him—and now he’s knocking on your door, trying to pull you into the fallout of his choices. You might love him as a friend, but love without accountability isn’t love—it’s enabling.
Let’s also be real about what’s going on here: you’re not avoiding his calls because you’re mean or cold-hearted. You’re avoiding his calls because you already know the answer. You just feel guilty about saying it out loud. And that guilt is what he’s counting on to bail him out. But let me ask you this: What happens next? You take him in, and then what? Is he suddenly going to become a better person? Will he magically respect your housemates’ boundaries or clean up his act? Odds are, you’ll end up drained, resentful, and stuck in a mess you didn’t create.
Here’s the deal: saying no doesn’t mean you’re abandoning him. It means you’re refusing to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. He’s scared of being homeless? Yeah, that’s terrifying. And it might be the rock bottom he needs to finally make some changes in his life. But that’s his journey to take, not yours to fix.