Six years ago, I found out that my wife (40F) was unfaithful, and it hit me hard. At the time, I chose to stay for the sake of our young child, hoping to keep his life stable. Over the years, we’ve tried everything—couples counseling, therapy, you name it—trying to rebuild what was broken. But no matter how much effort we’ve put in, it hasn’t worked. Our relationship has become more of a partnership in parenting than a marriage. She’s a great mother to our kids, but the love we once had is gone. I see her more as a friend or a roommate now, not the woman I fell in love with. We’ve been together for almost 18 years, but it doesn’t feel like a marriage anymore.
I want to leave. I’ve wanted to leave for a while, but I keep holding back for the sake of my son. I want him to graduate before I make such a big change in his life, hoping to minimize the impact on him. When I’ve tried to talk to my wife about how I feel, she brushes it aside, and I’m left feeling even more isolated.
Last year, I made up my mind to leave, but then life threw me a curveball. I suffered a career setback, and I lost my best friend—two blows that left me reeling and delayed everything. It feels like every time I’m ready to take that step, something else comes up, and I hesitate all over again.
My biggest concern is how to make this as smooth and painless as possible for my son. I don’t want to shatter his world, but I also know I can’t keep living like this. How can I leave in a way that protects his well-being and gives me the peace of mind I desperately need?
Staying in a dead marriage out of guilt or fear doesn’t protect your son—it teaches him how to live a life of quiet misery. Kids don’t learn what love, respect, and courage look like by hearing us talk about it. They learn by watching us live it.
Right now, your son is watching you stay in a relationship where love has been replaced by obligation, where connection has turned into cohabitation, and where hard conversations are avoided. That’s not the lesson you want him to learn. What you’re showing him, whether you mean to or not, is that his happiness matters more than yours. And while that comes from a good place, it’s not healthy for either of you. Your peace, your emotional health, and your ability to show up as a whole and happy person are the greatest gifts you can give your son.
Let’s call it what it is: you’ve already decided you want to leave. That’s not the question anymore. The real question is, How do I leave without breaking my son’s world apart? It’s a valid fear, but let’s be honest—his world isn’t as stable as you think it is right now. Kids are intuitive. He sees the distance between you and his mom. He feels the tension, even if you’re not yelling or slamming doors. What he needs isn’t a perfect family picture; he needs honesty, safety, and love—three things you can still give him, even if you’re no longer married to his mom.
It’s not going to be easy, but staying isn’t easy either. You’re delaying what you know is inevitable because life keeps throwing obstacles in your way—career setbacks, loss, fear of disrupting your son’s life. Those are real challenges, but they’re also excuses. Every time you hesitate, you’re choosing to endure pain over facing it. But facing it is how you heal, how you grow, and how you teach your son to do the same.
You can’t control how this will affect him entirely, but you can control how you approach it. Be honest with him, age-appropriately. Tell him that the love between you and his mom has changed, but that your love for him hasn’t—and never will. Work with his mom to create a plan that prioritizes his stability, whether it’s maintaining his school routine, being present at his events, or ensuring he knows he’s supported by both of you. And most importantly, show him that it’s okay to make hard choices when they’re the right ones.
You’ve spent six years trying to fix something that’s already broken. It’s time to stop carrying this alone. Take the step. Not just for your son, but for you. Because the kind of father he needs isn’t one who sacrifices his happiness—it’s one who shows him how to live with integrity, even when it’s hard.