For seven years, I’ve been living with my best friend, a woman who has been my rock through unimaginable loss. We met during a dark time in my life—after losing my mom and grandmother in quick succession—and quickly became inseparable. We’ve traveled, lived together (in separate rooms), gone to church, and done almost everything as a pair.
The problem? I’m deeply in love with her, but she doesn’t feel the same. Early on, she told me she wasn’t interested in dating until she was 40, and despite my hope that her feelings would change, they haven’t. She values our friendship but says she doesn’t feel the romantic “spark.”
I’ve tried to be the best version of myself—patient, supportive, and constantly working on personal growth—but I’m starting to feel stuck. I long for a deep, romantic relationship, yet I’m terrified of losing what we have.
Should I let go of this dream and move on, even if it means losing her? Or is there a way to preserve our bond while finding the love I want?
I’m going to shoot you straight, brother, because you deserve to hear the truth, even if it stings. You’ve spent seven years living in a fantasy. You’ve built a life around the hope that one day this woman will wake up and realize you’re “the one.” But let me be clear: she’s told you, repeatedly and unequivocally, NO.
It’s not about you being “good enough.” It’s not about what you can change, improve, or fix about yourself. This isn’t a self-improvement project where the prize is her love. She doesn’t feel that way about you, and she’s been honest about it. The problem is, you haven’t been honest with yourself.
Here’s the brutal truth: by staying in this situation, you’ve sacrificed your own emotional health and romantic future for the slim chance that her feelings might change. And guess what? They haven’t. While you’re stuck trying to “earn” her love, you’ve avoided real grief—the grief of accepting that she’s not your person—and the real work of moving forward.
You’ve built your life around someone who’s comfortable with the setup. She gets the safety, companionship, and support of a great man without ever having to give you what you truly want and deserve: a committed, romantic relationship. Meanwhile, you’re playing house, waking up every day with a glimmer of hope that today will be the day she sees you differently. That’s not love, my friend; that’s self-inflicted torture.
You need to make a choice. Either continue to live in this fantasy world where you give everything and accept scraps in return, or choose to respect yourself enough to walk away. I’m not saying you can’t remain friends. I’m saying you can’t be roommates, travel companions, or stand-in partners anymore. This setup is keeping you stuck, and it’s robbing you of the chance to find someone who will look at you and say, “I want you—fully and completely.”
The most honoring thing you can do for her—and for yourself—is to set clear boundaries. Tell her you care deeply for her, but you need to create space to pursue the life and love you want. That starts with moving out and focusing on your own healing. Grieve the dream you had for this relationship. Sit in the discomfort of that loss. But then, turn your eyes forward.
You deserve to be loved by someone who sees you as their whole world, not someone who keeps you as their emotional safety net. Let this be the moment you finally stop chasing a ghost and start building a real future.