I’m 20, turning 21 in a week, and I’m getting close to being in a good financial position. I have a job and hope to live with a roommate—either a friend or my boyfriend—once I graduate college. However, my parents have told me they won’t allow me to move out until I’m either married or 30. They say, “You have your whole life to live on your own, but only a limited amount of time to live with us.” That comment really hurts me.
I understand their perspective, and I feel guilty about wanting to leave, but I often feel lonely and controlled living here. While they’ve taken great care of me physically (providing food, housing, and health care), emotionally, it’s been overwhelming. For example, when I opened up about feeling depressed and anxious, they dismissed me, calling me “ungrateful and selfish.”
On top of that, they won’t let me buy a car with my own savings, even though it would make life easier for all of us. They’ve also borrowed money I’ve saved to help cover bills and the mortgage since my dad is unemployed and my mom gives music lessons from home. They always ask beforehand, and I know it’s a last resort for them, which makes me want to help. But at the same time, it feels like they’re holding me back from building my own life.
I feel torn. They’ve done so much for me, and I love them, but I can’t help but feel stifled. Am I being dramatic and ungrateful for feeling this way?
First off, let me say this: you’re not being dramatic, and you’re not being ungrateful. You’re being human. And humans want independence, autonomy, and respect. Those are basic needs for a healthy adult life, not some extra perks you have to earn by jumping through hoops.
Of course they want you to stay—you’re paying for their life. You’re their financial safety net, their emotional cushion, and their built-in excuse for why they don’t have to make bigger changes in their own lives. Why wouldn’t they want to keep you right where you are? But here’s the thing: you’re not a crutch. You’re an adult. You’re not responsible for holding up their entire house of cards.
If you’re feeling stuck, let me be blunt—you’re not actually stuck. You’re choosing to stay. You’re choosing to give them your money. They can’t physically force you to stay. They can’t legally make you keep bankrolling their lifestyle. If they try to pull some wild move like locking you in the house or taking money without permission, guess what? Call the police. That’s not parenting—it’s control, and it’s not okay.
But here’s the real kicker: every time you give in, you’re not just handing over cash. You’re handing over your autonomy. You’re saying, “Okay, I’ll put my life on pause for you.” And that might feel noble for a moment, but long term? It’s going to wreck you. It’s going to leave you resentful and bitter and trapped in a cycle where their needs always come before your own. And spoiler alert: it’s not going to solve their problems, either.
Here’s what you do. Decide. Decide that you’re going to move out after graduation. Decide that your money is going to fund your life, not patch the holes in theirs. And then follow through. Stop giving them money. Start saving up for your future—your car, your apartment, your dreams. Let them figure out their bills. Because if you keep stepping in to save the day, they’ll never learn to stand on their own. And you’ll never learn to live your own life.
Look, I get it. They’re your parents. You love them. You want to help them. But love isn’t about sacrificing yourself until there’s nothing left. Love is about boundaries. Love is about respect. And right now, you’re not respecting yourself enough to say no.
So move out. Get your car. Start building the life you want. And don’t let anyone—not even the people who raised you—tell you that wanting to live your own life makes you selfish. It makes you brave. Now go be brave.