I’m 23, 5’4” and my height has made dating a significant challenge.
When I talk about this insecurity, people often dismiss it, saying, “Height doesn’t matter” or “It’s all about confidence.” I struggle to believe that—women have rejected me outright due to my height, I’ve overheard negative comments about short men, and in years of online dating, I’ve only gotten matches when I experimented by listing my height as 6’2”. When I revealed my real height, I got ghosted.
I’ve worked hard to improve myself:
- Fitness: I exercise regularly, have lost weight, and gained muscle, but it hasn’t changed how women respond to me.
- Social Skills: I’ve become more outgoing through therapy, books, and practice, but it hasn’t improved my dating luck.
- Activities: I’ve tried social dancing and running clubs, but I’ve noticed women gravitate towards taller men.
Even my therapist’s advice—stick to online dating or look for shorter women—hasn’t been helpful.
How do you build confidence and find hope? How can I believe I’ll meet someone who genuinely values me for who I am?
Hey there, friend. First, let me say this: I hear you. Your frustration, your pain, and your struggle with this are real. And it’s exhausting to feel like you’re climbing a mountain every day that other people don’t even notice exists.
You’ve clearly put a lot of effort into bettering yourself—physically, socially, emotionally. That’s a testament to your resilience and determination. But here’s the hard truth: no matter how much we try to control other people’s perceptions of us, we simply can’t. And when we anchor our self-worth to how others see us—whether it’s height, looks, career, or anything else—we’re setting ourselves up for heartbreak. Every. Single. Time.
Let’s zoom out for a second. You’re not just your height. You’re not just your dating profile. You’re not just someone’s first impression at a dance or a running club. You are a whole person, with strengths, quirks, stories, and a heart that clearly cares deeply about connection. The problem isn’t you. The problem is that you’re chasing validation from people who don’t see your worth—and that’s like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom.
The question isn’t “How do I make people want me?” The real question is, “How do I start seeing my own worth so clearly that I stop handing it over to others to define?”
Here’s the uncomfortable work ahead:
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Challenge the Narrative: Somewhere along the way, you’ve absorbed the belief that your height makes you less valuable. That’s a lie. It’s not easy to rewrite that story, but it starts by catching yourself when those thoughts pop up and choosing a different truth.
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Focus on Values Over Looks: The right person—the one who’s worth your time—cares about your character, your humor, your loyalty, your kindness. Don’t get me wrong, physical attraction matters, but it’s just one piece of the puzzle, not the whole picture.
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Put Yourself Where You Shine: You’re already pushing yourself into new experiences, and that’s amazing. Keep doing it—but go where your strengths and passions make you light up. The more you lean into what makes you you, the more you’ll attract people who value that.
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Drop the Scorecard: Stop keeping track of rejections and comparisons. It’s human to notice patterns, but when you tally them up, you’re just reinforcing the belief that you’re unworthy. Instead, focus on living a life that makes you proud, partner or not.
Friend, you’re not alone in this. Everyone has something they wish they could change about themselves. But the real growth happens when we stop waiting for the world to validate us and start living like we matter—because we do. You do.
Keep going. You’re worth it.