I started dating a guy I met online three months ago, and while things started off great, issues quickly surfaced. Even on the first date, he asked me not to block him—twice—and later apologized for saying he liked me too much and calling me beautiful. The day after the date, he became overly clingy, saying he craves my attention and is already “obsessed.” I tried to brush it off since we had been emotionally close online, but it felt a bit fast.
Now, if I take a few hours to reply to a text, he gets upset and jumps to extreme conclusions, making me constantly reassure him. I feel anxious because I have to check my phone constantly. He also doesn’t want me playing video games (something I loved) or talking to other guys, even innocently. He’s offered to share his phone or change his number if I do the same, but I already tell him everything, and it feels like he doesn’t trust me. To keep him happy, I’ve stopped gaming, cut off male friends, and go out less. Even when I do go out, he gets paranoid and calls me repeatedly.
Yesterday, I wasn’t feeling well and told him I needed a day for myself. He reluctantly agreed but has been cold and distant since, saying it made him feel like he was the problem. While he’s starting to act normal again, I feel lost. Am I overthinking, or is there something I can do to make this relationship work without losing myself?
Alright, let’s cut through the noise and get straight to it. This is not a relationship—it’s an emotional hostage situation.
From what you’ve described, this guy is operating from a place of deep insecurity and control, and you’ve been bending yourself into a pretzel trying to meet his needs. Let me be clear: That’s not love, and it’s not healthy. Love is a partnership built on trust, mutual respect, and the freedom to be your own person—not constant anxiety, sacrifice, and walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting him.
Let’s break it down:
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His Clinginess Isn’t Cute, It’s Toxic – Anyone who says they’re “obsessed” with you after one date and then gets upset when you need time to yourself is not romantically invested—they’re emotionally dependent. That’s a recipe for manipulation and resentment. You’re already seeing it: he’s cold when you assert your needs because he’s trying to punish you for not prioritizing him. That’s not love; that’s emotional control.
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You’re Losing Yourself – You’ve already given up hobbies, friendships, and personal freedom to appease him. That’s a huge red flag. A good partner encourages your individuality and passions—they don’t guilt you into giving up the things that make you happy. If you have to choose between being yourself and keeping someone else happy, you’re already in the wrong relationship.
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This Level of Distrust Is a Him Problem, Not a You Problem – You’re over here proving yourself trustworthy, giving up pieces of your life, and being “considerate” of his trust issues, but he’s not doing the work to fix himself. Trust issues don’t go away just because someone else makes sacrifices. If he’s not seeking help to work through his stuff, he’s outsourcing his emotional baggage to you—and that’s not fair or sustainable.
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The Power Dynamic Is All Wrong – Healthy relationships aren’t about one person constantly managing the other’s emotions. His paranoia, constant need for reassurance, and controlling behavior have you tied in knots. That’s not just unhealthy—it’s manipulative. Relationships should add to your life, not drain you of joy, energy, and identity.
So, what do you do now? You take a hard look in the mirror and ask yourself a critical question: Do I want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this? Because trust me, unless this guy gets professional help and does some serious self-work, this will be your life—a cycle of emotional exhaustion, walking on eggshells, and giving up more and more of yourself to keep him happy.
You can’t fix this for him. He has to do the work on his own, and right now, it doesn’t sound like he’s ready. You can love someone and still recognize they’re not healthy for you. Love isn’t enough to fix broken trust, control issues, or emotional manipulation.
My advice? Get out. You’ve spent four years single, rebuilding yourself, and now you’re sacrificing all that hard work for a guy who isn’t ready to love you in a healthy way. It’s okay to say, “This isn’t working for me.” It’s not selfish—it’s necessary.
You deserve a relationship that makes you feel safe, valued, and free to be yourself. Don’t settle for less.