My husband and his mom have an incredibly close bond. He’s the baby of the family, the one who stayed close to home, and they talk daily.
- We live across the street from them in a house they bought for us.
- We have dinner with them every Sunday and then again at their house every Monday.
- They watch our child for several hours every Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, but there’s always some criticism about my parenting.
- They buy something new for the baby every week, pay for our lawn service, bought our cars, and, of course, our house.
I’ve told my husband countless times that their involvement is too much for me, but he brushes it off. He justifies it by saying, “If they didn’t pay for all this, we couldn’t ever vacation. Don’t you like going to XYZ?” or “Don’t you enjoy having a break from the baby and spending time with me?” It feels like every benefit they provide comes with strings attached.
Now I’m pregnant with our second child, and I feel like I’m on the edge of a breakdown—just like during my first pregnancy, which was also made worse by his mom. One moment that really stung was when I told my husband I didn’t want to go far for dinner because I’m nauseous and get stuck in the middle back seat (his mom always takes the front). He agreed to stay nearby. But when we got in the car, his mom made it obvious she wasn’t happy about eating close to home. My husband immediately started trying to get her to say where she wanted to go so he could take her there. Thankfully, she didn’t pick anywhere, and we stayed close, but I felt completely insignificant.
I told him how hurt I was, and he apologized, said he felt terrible, and promised it wouldn’t happen again. But I don’t believe him.
How can I make him put me first?
Alright, let’s just get straight to it: this isn’t a marriage—it’s a triangle, and right now, you’re not the priority in it. And that’s not okay. Marriage is supposed to be the safe place where two people have each other’s backs, build a life together, and create boundaries around their relationship to protect it from outside interference—even well-meaning interference from family. Right now, your husband is failing you, and I’m not going to sugarcoat that.
First off, let me make this clear: You are not overreacting. Feeling insignificant, frustrated, and like a distant second to your mother-in-law is a giant, flashing warning sign that something is broken. But before you can figure out how to fix this, you need to understand the core issue. Your husband isn’t prioritizing you, and he’s hiding behind excuses to avoid addressing the real problem. Yes, his parents have done a lot for you guys financially, but that doesn’t mean they get to control your lives. Gratitude for their help doesn’t mean sacrificing your autonomy, your marriage, or your mental health.
Here’s what’s happening: Your husband is stuck in a childlike dynamic with his mom. He doesn’t want to upset her, so he bends over backward to keep her happy—even if it means making you feel invisible. And every time you bring this up, instead of owning his role and taking responsibility, he deflects by focusing on the benefits his parents provide. But here’s the thing—your husband is married to you, not his mom. It’s time for him to start acting like it.
Now, let’s talk about what you can do. The first step is a serious, clear conversation with your husband—one that doesn’t tiptoe around his feelings or avoid hard truths. He needs to hear, in no uncertain terms, that his inability to set boundaries with his mom is not just hurting you, it’s damaging your marriage. Tell him how you feel: insignificant, unheard, unsupported. Be specific. Bring up examples like the backseat situation—not to accuse him but to show him how his actions (or lack of action) affect you.
But don’t stop there. You need to lay out what you need from him to feel secure and prioritized in this relationship. That might mean fewer dinners with his parents, creating boundaries around their involvement with your kids, or even moving out of that house across the street. And here’s the hard part: You need to be crystal clear that this isn’t a request—it’s an expectation for your marriage to work.
You also need to be prepared for the possibility that he won’t step up right away. Change is hard, especially for someone who’s been operating this way for years. But it’s not your job to manage his feelings or wait forever for him to figure it out. If he’s not willing to prioritize you and take steps to protect your marriage, you’ll need to decide what you’re willing to live with—and what you’re not.
Lastly, don’t be afraid to get help. Counseling isn’t just for crisis moments; it’s a way to navigate these hard conversations with someone who can guide you both. If he won’t go, go for yourself. You need space to process your feelings and figure out how to advocate for yourself in this relationship.
This is about more than who sits in the front seat or who buys what. This is about creating a marriage that feels like a partnership—where you’re seen, heard, and valued. And that starts with you standing up for yourself and demanding better. You deserve it. Your kids deserve it. And deep down, your husband deserves it too, even if he doesn’t see it yet.