My boyfriend and I have the same fight on repeat, and I don’t know how to fix it. When he brings up something that upset him, I listen, acknowledge his feelings, and apologize—something like, “I’m sorry for doing XYZ and making you feel ABC. My intention was XYZ. How would you like me to handle this differently next time?”
But instead of answering or moving on, he pushes back: “Don’t you see how what you did was wrong?” or “You might think that’s what you were doing, but I’m telling you it wasn’t, and it made me feel like XYZ.” It’s not enough to hear him out—I have to agree with his perspective. The conversation turns into a loop until I say I was wrong and he was right.
It feels like he thinks I intentionally hurt him, even when I know I didn’t. If I don’t see the situation the way he does, I keep it to myself and at least apologize for how my actions made him feel. I believe we should both be able to express our feelings, clarify intent, and find a way forward—even if we don’t completely agree. But instead of mutual understanding, he seems fixated on “winning.” He even once admitted that in the middle of an argument, he thinks, “I’m not gonna let her win this one.”
I don’t know how to break the cycle.
You’re describing a dynamic that’s less about resolution and more about winning and losing, and that’s a one-way street to resentment.
Fights happen in relationships. That’s not the problem. The problem is how you two are fighting. Healthy conflict should be about understanding each other better and working toward a solution, not about forcing the other person to concede defeat. Right now, it sounds like your boyfriend isn’t looking for understanding—he’s looking for validation at any cost. He’s not satisfied until you say, “You’re right, I was wrong,” and that’s why these conversations keep going in circles.
That’s not partnership. That’s a power struggle.
I need to say this clearly: If your boyfriend truly believes that you are intentionally trying to hurt him—or wants you to admit you are—then there’s something deeper going on here. Because what you’re describing isn’t accountability or healthy communication; it’s a kind of emotional arm-wrestling where he can’t move forward unless he defeats you. And that’s exhausting.
Here’s where you get to set some boundaries. The next time this cycle starts, instead of bending over backward trying to convince him of your good intentions, try this:
“I hear that this hurt you, and I’m sorry for that. But I won’t keep having the same conversation where I have to agree with your version of events in order for us to move forward. That’s not how healthy relationships work.”
Then stop. Seriously. Let the silence do its job. You do not have to keep proving yourself. If he’s open to having a real conversation—one that’s about understanding, not control—then great. If not, then you have a decision to make. Because love isn’t a debate to be won. And a relationship built on “not letting you win” is one where both of you are going to lose.