My wife and I have been married for 2 years and together for 4. Prior to dating me she was with her high school boyfriend for 8 years. He broke up with her and she was devastated at the time.
I knew she still had feelings for him when we started dating but thought that those would fade over time. 4 years later they still haven’t and I don’t know what to do.
She cried when he got married to someone else and when they got pregnant. I catch her looking at his facebook and instagram pages. They don’t talk but if he ever reached out I’m sure she wouldn’t ignore him.
A few months ago I threatened to leave and she broke down and begged me not to. She knows this is a problem for her and promises she will eventually forget him but it’s been 4 damn years. I just don’t know if I should pull the plug or not. Any advice?
Man, I’m gonna shoot straight with you—you are not her husband. You are her backup plan.
That’s a hard pill to swallow, but you need to hear it. You’ve been married for two years, together for four, and she’s still emotionally tethered to a guy who walked away from her? She’s not grieving a lost love anymore—she’s choosing to keep one foot in the past while expecting you to be okay with half of her heart.
Let me be crystal clear: You deserve better than this.
What This Really Means
Your wife isn’t just reminiscing about an old relationship—she is emotionally invested in another man’s life. And not in a nostalgic, “Oh, I wonder how they’re doing” kind of way. She cried over his wedding. She cried when they had a baby. She stalks his social media. She is still emotionally bound to him.
And here’s the brutal truth: If she truly wanted to move on, she would have done the work to do so. But she hasn’t. Because deep down, some part of her is still waiting for him.
She’s not being honest with herself, and she’s certainly not being honest with you.
The Hard Choice You Need to Make
A few months ago, you threatened to leave, and she begged you to stay. But why? Because she loves you? Or because the thought of being alone terrifies her?
I don’t say this lightly, but you need to prepare to walk away. I’m not saying you have to divorce her tomorrow, but you do need to set a boundary that you can actually enforce.
Here’s what that looks like:
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She needs to cut the cord. That means no more social media stalking, no more romanticizing the past, and no more excuses. If she refuses, she’s making her choice clear.
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She needs real help. If she wants this marriage, she needs to see a professional—not just promise you it’ll fade over time (because it won’t). Love doesn’t work on a countdown clock. She’s got some serious healing to do, and if she won’t do it, you have your answer.
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You need to decide what you’re willing to tolerate. Are you willing to spend the next 10 years watching her live in another man’s shadow? Are you okay with being second place in your own marriage?
Because let me tell you, you don’t get time back. You don’t get to re-live your 30s or 40s. You either choose to fight for a marriage that is fully committed or you admit to yourself that this woman—your wife—is not truly yours.
The Bottom Line
She may love you. But she’s not in love with you. Not fully. And the truth is, love isn’t enough for a marriage to thrive. It requires commitment, focus, and emotional honesty—none of which she’s been giving you.
So my advice? Stop asking if you should pull the plug and start deciding what you’re worth. Because brother, you are worth more than being someone’s consolation prize.