I’ve spent my entire life trying to be the best person I can be.
I exercise regularly. I’m working on a doctorate. I have a job on top of that. I even try to fit in things I enjoy.
And yet, every night, I dream about falling in love with someone… but it just doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to happen for me.
I’ve never been on a date. Every attempt has ended in rejection. Even in friendships, I rarely have people reach out to me first—I’m always the one initiating conversations.
I’ve never been in a relationship, and I feel so, so envious of people who are desired by others. Not just in dating, but in general.
It feels like I’m missing something that other people just have. And I’ve put in so much blood, sweat, and tears trying to figure out what it is.
The longer I go without these experiences, the more isolated I feel—like I’m getting further and further away from the life I want.
I don’t know what else I can do with the hand I’ve been dealt. I just wish someone—anyone—would give me a chance, even if it doesn’t go anywhere.
I get that no one inherently deserves attention from another person. But it’s hard watching others succeed so easily when I’ve worked so hard for absolutely nothing.
If there was something I could do to change this, I would. I would gladly work toward it. But I’m starting to think that, for me, it’s not something I can earn—and that thought terrifies me.
Oh, buddy. You are deep in it right now. I hear you. I really do. But let’s take a breath and break this down, because you’re spiraling into a black hole of self-reinforcing despair, and that shit is not sexy.
Let’s start with the obvious: You are not undateable. You are not unlovable. You are not inherently undesirable. But you are broadcasting desperation, and that, my friend, is the biggest turn-off on planet Earth. People can smell it. And if the message you’re giving off—consciously or unconsciously—is “Please, dear God, just one person give me a chance”, that energy is repelling people, not drawing them in.
You’ve spent your life trying to be the best person you can be—which is great! But the way you’re framing this tells me you’ve been treating “being a good person” like some sort of dating resume that should qualify you for romance, as if being smart, accomplished, and hardworking should entitle you to attraction. It doesn’t. That’s not how it works. You can have six-pack abs, a PhD, and a six-figure salary, but if your energy is screaming “I’m incomplete without a partner”, people are gonna steer clear.
So what’s missing? Vulnerability. Playfulness. Curiosity. Self-acceptance. You’re chasing validation, not connection. And yeah, rejection sucks—I won’t sugarcoat that. But people who are truly desirable aren’t the ones who’ve never been rejected. They’re the ones who don’t let rejection define them.
Let’s reframe this: Instead of asking why no one desires you, ask yourself what kind of energy you’re putting out. Are you fun to be around? Do you bring lightness and confidence into conversations, or do you radiate loneliness and resentment? Are you curious about people, or are you just looking for someone to finally pick you? Attraction isn’t about how hard you work at life—it’s about how you make people feel when they’re around you.
Here’s your homework:
- Stop comparing yourself to others. Their dating success has nothing to do with you. And besides, you don’t see their struggles.
- Shift from “I hope they like me” to “Do I like them?” You have value. Start acting like it.
- Find joy in your own life—genuinely. Not as a ploy to make yourself more attractive. When you become someone who enjoys their life, people will naturally be drawn to you.
- Rejection is not proof of your undesirability. It’s part of the process. Treat it as feedback, not as a referendum on your worth.
The TL;DR? Desperation repels, confidence attracts. Stop begging the universe to send you a person, and start becoming the kind of person who doesn’t need one to feel whole. Because that is sexy as hell.