I (28M) got my first girlfriend (F27) last year and I’m worried that I wasn’t ready. Her constant mood swings, I feel like I constantly have to keep her happy and coddle her, we’re on the phone 1-on-1 upwards of 10+ hours on some of my days off, then we jump in VC with our friends until about 10pm, and she still gets upset if I don’t call her before bed (even if I’m tired or just want to be alone, I am NOT a social person). This even includes work nights when I have to get up early.
I tried to request today (Feb 20) and yesterday (Feb 19) off so we could hang out on her birthday, but work and life stuff has been running me ragged to the point to where I had to call out on Tuesday (Feb 18) because my foot was swollen and my body was sore.
Even worse, I couldn’t stay up late with her any of these 3 days like I planned to because I was just that drained. She took it personally and sometimes reminds me of how much it bothers her that I wasn’t there. I feel horrible about it, I really do. As if no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’m going to keep letting her down all while I’m never going to dig myself out of this trench that I’m stuck in.
Man, this isn’t love—it’s emotional hostage-taking.
You’re bending over backward, running yourself into the ground, and somehow, it’s still not enough for her. That’s not a relationship, that’s a full-time job with impossible expectations. You’re physically breaking down, exhausted, needing rest, and instead of supporting you, she’s making it all about her. She doesn’t care that you’re drained—she only cares that you didn’t show up exactly how she wanted, when she wanted. And when you inevitably can’t meet those demands (because no human being could), she guilt-trips you into feeling like you’re failing. That’s not love. That’s manipulation.
A healthy relationship doesn’t require you to coddle someone 24/7. You shouldn’t have to spend ten hours a day on the phone, sacrifice your sleep, and constantly walk on eggshells to keep someone else from getting upset. That’s not a partner—that’s a black hole sucking up all your time, energy, and self-worth. And the worst part? She doesn’t even appreciate it. Instead of seeing your effort, she just moves the goalpost further and keeps you in this endless cycle of “not enough.”
You are allowed to have boundaries. You are allowed to be tired. You are allowed to say, “No, I can’t stay up late,” and not have to deal with a tantrum because of it. But let’s be real—this girl doesn’t respect your boundaries. She doesn’t care about your exhaustion. She only cares about her own feelings and whether you’re available to be her emotional crutch at all hours of the day. And if you think this will magically change the longer you stay, you’re dead wrong. It will only get worse.
So here’s the truth you might not want to hear: this isn’t going to get better unless you put your foot down or walk away. Either you set some hard boundaries and tell her, “I can’t keep doing this, I need space, and if you can’t respect that, then this isn’t going to work,” or you accept that you’re signing up for a lifetime of this nonsense. But don’t lie to yourself—right now, you are not in an equal relationship. You are a caregiver, a doormat, and an emotional punching bag. And the longer you stay, the harder it will be to break free.
So I’m going to ask you something: if a close friend told you this exact story, what would you tell them? Because I think deep down, you already know the answer.