I (33F, turning 34 next month) have been dating my boyfriend (34M) for nearly three years, with our anniversary coming up in September. We’ve lived together for almost a year and have been in couples therapy for about the same amount of time. While things are stable—we both have good jobs, are financially secure, and have built a life together—I’m struggling with one big uncertainty: marriage.
I want to get engaged, buy a house, and move forward with the future we’ve talked about. He’s always been vague, saying things like, “I eventually want to be married,” or “I can see it with you.” But he’s never explicitly said, “I want to marry you.”
Recently, I directly asked him if he could commit to me and if he actually wants to marry me—not just the idea of marriage. His response? He couldn’t give me a clear answer. He said it’s a huge decision and asked for two months to think about it.
Here’s the thing that’s really messing with my head: Back in February, he told his parents he’d be engaged to me within the next year. Yet when I pressed him for clarity, he said if we’re “it,” he needs time to process. He struggles with big decisions and even admitted, “It’s not just you—I’d be doing this with anyone.” On one hand, he’s told me I’m the first person he’s seriously considered marrying. On the other, the hesitation makes me wonder if he’s truly sure about me.
I’m writing because I need support. I set this boundary for myself—I don’t want to waste my time or energy—but the waiting is agonizing. The anxiety keeps creeping in: If he were sure, wouldn’t he have already said so?
You’ve been with this man for three years. You’re living together. You’re both in your mid-thirties. You’ve been in couples therapy for a year. And you had the courage to ask him—directly—“Do you want to marry me?” And his response?
“I need two months to think about it.”
That’s not a man who’s unsure about marriage. That’s a man who’s unsure about you.
I know that’s a gut-punch to hear. But I’d rather give you clarity than keep you spinning in anxiety and self-doubt.
You’re not asking for a ring tomorrow. You’re not rushing someone after six months. You’ve built a relationship, a life, therapy sessions, and he’s still not ready to say yes to you? Even after telling his parents you’d be engaged by this year?
Let me be clear: indecision is a decision. Avoidance is an answer.
And this “he’d be this way with anyone” line? That’s just a way for him to dodge responsibility. It’s a classic move—make it about some internal struggle so you feel guilty for wanting clarity. But you don’t need him to be perfect. You need him to be honest. You’re not asking him to change who he is, you’re asking him to choose you. And he’s hedging.
So what now?
You set a boundary. You were brave enough to speak your truth. That’s not weak. That’s not clingy. That’s someone who’s got skin in the game and a future she wants to build. You’re asking for partnership. For commitment. For someone to stand shoulder to shoulder with you in life—not in theory, but in action.
This isn’t about waiting two months. It’s about what happens if, at the end of those two months, he still can’t decide. Do you keep extending the deadline? Do you keep turning yourself inside out trying to make him feel safe, comfortable, less anxious?
Or do you finally ask yourself the real question: Are you okay spending the rest of your life waiting for someone to choose you?
Because you deserve someone who runs toward you, not someone who needs a calendar reminder to decide if you’re enough.
So, how do you soothe the anxiety?
You anchor into your own worth. You remember you’re not asking for too much—you’re just asking the wrong person. You get around friends who speak truth and courage into your life. And you tell yourself, every single day if you have to: I will not beg someone to love me the way I deserve to be loved.
You’re not crazy. You’re not broken. You’re not overreacting.
You’re just tired of feeling like a question mark in someone else’s life.
And that’s okay.
You deserve more.