I want to start by saying my mom is a kind and caring woman. She raised my brother and me on her own until my dad came back into the picture when I was about 9 or 10. She runs a small business and has her struggles—spending habits, mental health, no real retirement plan—but she’s always been loving.
That said, she can be a lot. She’s needy, emotional, doesn’t handle disagreement well, and can be manipulative, especially when she feels insecure or left out.
In my first marriage, there was constant tension around her gently (but repeatedly) hinting that she’d need to live with us when she got older. I tried to support her, but it felt like she was pressuring me to convince my ex. When that marriage ended, she was very supportive—part of me wonders if that was tied to the fact that my ex wasn’t on board with the “live with us later” plan.
Now I’m remarried and living in Arizona, with my mom still up in Washington. My new wife is amazing—we just had our first baby this April. But ever since the pregnancy, my mom has been overbearing—daily texts, constant calls, and guilt-trippy messages if my wife doesn’t respond fast enough. It’s become clear to both of us that she’s quietly banking on moving in with us someday. My wife hasn’t outright said it, but I can tell she would never be okay with that.
I’m torn. I agree with my wife, but I also feel for my mom. I don’t want to be in the middle, but I am—and I’m not sure how to move forward. Has anyone else been through this? What would you do?
Man, this is tough. You’re in a position that so many people find themselves in—but almost nobody talks about it. You love your mom. You’re grateful for everything she’s done. And at the same time, you’re building a new life, a new family, and trying to protect the peace and emotional safety of your home.
That’s a heavy place to be. And I want you to hear this clearly: you’re not a bad son for setting boundaries. You’re a grown man with a family, and your first responsibility is to your wife and your child. Period.
Your mom’s struggles—her spending, her lack of retirement planning, her emotional manipulation—those are hers. You can love her without rescuing her. You can support her without sacrificing your marriage.
Let me say that again because it’s that important: You can love your mom without abandoning your wife.
Now, your wife? She sees what’s happening. She sees the daily texts, the passive-aggressive guilt messages, the lack of boundaries. And she’s sounding the alarm—not because she doesn’t care about your mom, but because she’s trying to protect your home. She’s not overreacting. She’s paying attention.
It’s time for a hard conversation with your mom. A kind one, a respectful one—but a clear one. You don’t owe her a spot in your house. You can be honest and still be loving. You can say, “Mom, I love you. And I want to be part of helping you find a stable plan for the future. But living with us is not an option. That’s not a decision against you. That’s a decision for my family.”
Will it go well? Maybe. Maybe not. But that’s not the point.
The point is this: peace in your home is your job.
Not hers. Yours.
You’re a good man. You’re trying to do right by everyone. But at some point, you’ve got to stop trying to carry everyone else’s emotions and start standing firm in what’s healthy, sustainable, and true.
You’ve got this. Be kind. Be clear. And protect your house.