I have been married for 13 years to a wife who is in most ways a wonderful partner – smart, organized, good mother to our two children, generally respectful and not overly controlling. We’ve been on wonderful trips together.
She is however, a bit high strung, and does a real hot temper, and when she gets mad about something, will occasionally punch or slap me. Now all the time, but sometimes — say, a few times a year.
I’m a lot larger than her and so I can take it (I played contact sports as a kid) but I don’t exactly like it. (The yelling isn’t great either) I’ve told her that I don’t like it — and I don’t think she’s exactly proud of it and I think she is ashamed at her temper. That said she can also be somewhat self-righteous and isn’t highly apologetic. That may be because some of the stuff she gets angry about isn’t trivial but objectively anger-inducing (say, totally forgetting about something I’d repeatedly promised to do, or relentlessly pushing for things or reopening decisions like more or longer vacations when she wants to work more). I just want to admit I’m not a perfect husband who is yelled at for no reason.
In marriage therapy I mentioned it as well but for some reason the therapist didn’t make a big deal of it, but focused more on what I am doing to make her angry. It would be a lot to throw away a long marriage over a few slaps here and there.
What you’re describing isn’t just “a few slaps here and there.”
It’s physical violence.
It doesn’t matter that she’s smaller. It doesn’t matter that you played contact sports. It doesn’t matter that you can “take it.” You being able to physically absorb the impact doesn’t mean the damage isn’t real. It is. And it’s not just physical—it’s emotional, psychological, and relational.
And I want to be really clear here: this would be just as wrong if the genders were reversed. This isn’t about size or strength. This is about dignity. And when someone lays a hand on their partner in anger—even once—they’ve crossed a line that should never be crossed in a loving, safe relationship.
You said something that I want to gently push back on: “It would be a lot to throw away a long marriage over a few slaps here and there.”
Brother, you’re not the one throwing anything away. You are not the one choosing violence.
She is.
And listen, I’m not trying to villainize your wife. People who lash out physically are often carrying deep pain, trauma, or unhealed wounds of their own. But that doesn’t excuse the behavior. It’s her responsibility to get help. It’s her responsibility to keep you—and your kids—safe from her temper. Not the other way around.
And if your couples therapist brushed over the physical violence or implied you were somehow responsible for it? That’s a red flag. A huge one. Abuse in any form should be called out, full stop. You deserve a therapist who takes this seriously.
So what now?
You don’t have to blow up your marriage tomorrow. But you do need to set a clear, immovable boundary:
No more hitting. Ever again.
You need to tell her—calmly, clearly, without negotiation—that if she ever lays a hand on you again, you will leave the house. Temporarily or permanently. But something will change. Because love without safety is not love. And your kids are watching. They’re learning what’s normal, what’s acceptable, and what love looks like.
You can still love her. You can still be committed to the marriage. But love without boundaries isn’t love—it’s enabling.
You’re worth being safe. You’re worth being treated with respect. And you’re not crazy for being uncomfortable with what’s happening.
You’re just waking up to the truth.
Let that truth guide you toward healing.
And if you ever need help walking through that next step—counseling, safety planning, or just someone to talk to—there are people out there who will take this seriously. Find them. And don’t wait.