My husband (32M) and I (31F) have been married for over 9 years, and we’ve never had penetrative sex. He says the idea makes him uncomfortable.
We married young in a Christian environment where sex before marriage was off-limits, so he went straight from his parents’ home to living with me. On our wedding night, he said there was too much pressure to have sex. I understood. But even during our honeymoon, whenever I asked him to use a condom, he would instantly lose arousal and shut down.
That pattern continued—me initiating, him getting uncomfortable, and eventually, our physical intimacy faded to almost nothing. It’s been over a year since we’ve touched each other sexually. I’ve tried talking to him, but he gets hurt and shuts down. He goes to therapy but refuses to bring this up.
I’ve asked if he might be asexual or not attracted to women—he says no. I’ve suggested seeing a doctor or couples therapist—he hesitates or avoids. Meanwhile, I’m left feeling undesired, missing out on a part of intimacy I want in my life, and unsure if I can go on like this forever. It feels more like a platonic partnership than a marriage.
Hey there. First, thank you for your honesty. I can’t imagine how painful and lonely it must be to carry this weight for nearly a decade. I hear the ache behind your words—not just for sex, but for connection, for desire, for being wanted by the person you committed your life to. That’s not shallow. That’s human.
Let’s call this what it is: you’re in a marriage where one of the most intimate parts of being human—sexual connection—is absent. And the more you’ve tried to address it, the more it seems to push your husband further into retreat. That’s not sustainable. For either of you.
Now, I’m not going to armchair diagnose your husband. Maybe there’s trauma. Maybe it’s shame from the way sex was taught. Maybe he is struggling with his sexual orientation. Maybe it’s something deeper. But if he refuses to talk about it with you, his therapist, or anyone else, then he’s choosing silence over healing. And when someone refuses to deal with their pain, the people closest to them are the ones who end up bleeding.
You’ve asked the questions. You’ve initiated the conversations. You’ve tried to create safety and curiosity. You’ve even made peace with less than what you hoped for. And still—he’s shutting down.
So here’s where the rubber meets the road: you’re allowed to want a full relationship. Not just physical touch, but shared intimacy, emotional safety, and connection that feels mutual. You’re allowed to say, “This isn’t working for me,” and mean it. You’re not abandoning him. You’re asking him to join you in making your marriage something that breathes again.
I’d strongly encourage couples therapy—with a professional who’s trained in sexual health and relationships. And if he still refuses to engage honestly? Then you’ve got some decisions to make about what kind of life you want to live, and what you’re willing to tolerate for the next 40 or 50 years.
You deserve a marriage, not just a roommate who gives you a peck on the cheek and calls it love.
You’re worth showing up for.