OK, here’s how basic asexuality works for me. And it took me until 40 to figure it out. The only times I’ve wanted sex, was simply out of hope that This Would Be It, I would finally feel what other people feel!
Aaaand it never happened. Sex for me was an awkward, boring, kind of gross experience. Every single time.
And I was married and had three kids.
I faked it, EVERY TIME. Because it was always a weird, messy, body function that was slightly more pleasant than washing dishes. A chore.
I lost my virginity at 21, because I was curious. And I thought, “That’s it?”
After I divorced. I tried dating a bunch of times. I had emotional crushes on people (men and women both), but it never went sexual. No matter how much I wanted it to. I would get crushes on celebrities and fictional characters, but never pictured myself doing The Deed with them.
I would have sex with men I dated. And I always and to fake it no matter how much I liked the guy. And I really liked some of the guys an awful lot.
Whenever I did masturbate, I would picture someone who wasn’t me having things done to them that were hot. It was usually two guys, because I don’t know what it feels like to be a guy, so I can make up what it feels like.
In my “fantasy” sex mind, sex always feels like how I want it to feel. Basically just the orgasm part. And orgasms are great and all, but not nearly as important to me as it is to most people.
Ugh this is hard to explain. I once had a mad crush on a man, when I was in the Navy. He was the husband of a friend, and I just adored this guy. He was funny and awesome! I wanted to hang around him all the time. I wanted to be special to him.
It was never sexual. I just didn’t understand that at 20.
1) Assume comfort in any interaction.
Our brain is an incredibly complicated instrument. Our relationship with it, is a love-hate one. We think we have control over it but usually something unconscious dictates our actions.
In most of our social interactions, we find it difficult to feel comfortable among strangers because our brain tries to protect us from exposure.
This however isn’t helping us when trying to be social and meet new people, is it?
This is why assuming comfort is so powerful. Commanding your brain to feel that you already know the person you are about to meet puts you in a position of advantage. It increases the chances of people showing interest in you and consequently even liking you.
2) Pay attention to people’s feet when you are approaching them.
Interrupting people when they are in the middle of an important conversation is one of the most annoying things to do. It shows that you have zero knowledge of social dynamics which will lead to unpleasant social situations.
When you approach a group of people while in a conversation, pay attention to their bodies. If they turn only their torsos and not their feet, it means they are in the middle of an important conversation and they don’t want you to interrupt them.
If they turn both torso and feet, it means you are welcome. This is extremely important, because the right timing in such situations may put you in a position of advantage, especially if the conversation was boring for both sides.
1. I’m an actively working girl. My first time was only about a month ago. It was through a website where you make offers to pay a girl to go on a date with you. They had to be very clear that it was’t a prostitution website (you compensate for time it said, many many times) but sex was fairly well implied.
My first time was with a 43 year old married man in town on business. He had contacted me about a week prior, through the website, offering $80 for a date. he said he would give me $2000/month for regular sex if we liked each other. I said yes, and he told me which hotel to meet him at and when. He also told me what to wear.
I arrived and he wasn’t too bad looking–slender and way more tan than you normally see as far north as I am. He bought me a drink first at the hotel bar and we talked for a bit. I was unbelievably nervous, but he was fairly reassuring. I was sure everyone knew what I was there for, and I was terrified of anyone calling me out.
Eventually he suggested we head up to his room, and I gave the meekest “okay” that has ever passed my lips. We went up and sat on the bed and chatted a bit more before he kissed me. after a couple seconds he pulled back and said “i like the way you do that. Let’s take off your clothes, and see what else you do well.” I got naked and gave him a blow job. I was’t really expecting him to finish that way, but he did.
After that he laid back on the bed and indicated I should join him so we snuggled and talked for a bit more.
Eventually he told me that he thought I was funny and sweet and “too good at that” and that he didn’t want to see me again in case he formed an emotional attachment. He said he just wanted sex, he didn’t want to mess things up with his wife. I said that was fine and we talked some more.
Eventually I started putting my clothes on. I was waiting for him to give me some money, but he was’t making any moves in that direction, so I sat and talked with him a little longer. Eventually I reminded him that we had agreed on $80 for the date, and he acted all surprised. then he made a show of looking for his wallet and then counted out each bill and dropped it on the bed as he did. I took it and left, not accepting his offer to call me a cab.
I felt pretty gross. My later experiences were better.
By Nick Notas
- Your ego hurts you more than it helps. Embrace that you’re not perfect (no one is). Take honest looks at yourself, evaluate where you need improvement, and change it. Being prideful and refusing to admit your weaknesses will stunt your personal growth. Your faults are only permanent if you allow them to be.
- You can be an adult and still have fun. Being grown up doesn’t mean you have to become Oscar the Grouch. Laugh often, smile more, be playful like a child, and let loose. Be responsible and mature when necessary, otherwise don’t take yourself too seriously. And never let people who are miserable try to take your happiness away.
- Successful people fail and get rejected often. In every field, the ones who “make it” have been defeated more than you know. Rarely does anyone just fall into success. Countless authors, inventors, athletes, and entrepreneurs have defied adversity because they refused to give up. Every failure is one step closer to winning.
- You can learn something from everyone. Don’t underestimate a person’s value before you’ve given them a fair shot. They may not be knowledgeable in a certain area but could teach you something profound in another. You’ll be surprised at what you can learn if you just listen without judgment.
- Don’t rush into or through relationships. Be social, find people you connect with, and discover what you’re looking for in a partner. Never jump into a relationship solely out of fear of being alone. Once you’re together, don’t hurry into attaining “the next level.” Just being with each other should be enough (especially in the beginning) so savor it.
- You are not entitled. Everything worth having takes incredible dedication and effort. Don’t expect handouts and don’t sit around waiting for good things to happen. Make the most out of every situation: work hard and you’ll reap the rewards. You’ll only get out of life what you put into it.
- It will come back to haunt you, so document everything. I believed you could settle every career dispute verbally and in a casual fashion. Unfortunately, when someone else’s job is on the line, they will throw you under the bus. You must have dated and written evidence (e.g. specific e-mails, signed documents) prepared to defend yourself effectively. You might only need it once, but it could save your ass…it has for me.
- You are smarter than you know. Trust in your abilities. That doesn’t mean you should blindly believe you’re better than everyone, but don’t let internal or external voices hold you back. Do not equate youth with stupidity – some of the most successful business leaders and entrepreneurs today are under 30.
- A relationship will not fix your problems. If you’re unhappy, don’t expect another person to change that. Often, you’ll only end up spilling those problems onto them. Make sure you’re content with who you are before trying repair it through someone else. The only one who can determine your happiness is you.
- Developing your social skills is critical. This is the foundation on which to build your personal, professional, and academic fulfillment. In the real world, it’s not always about what you know but who you know. You need to learn how to communicate and relate with others in all aspects of life. These skills can’t be put on the backburner, start practicing them every day.