Three years ago, my (24F) parents (62M and 61F) divorced. I’m their only child and live in my own apartment, while my mom got the family house and my dad bought a new place. They’ve always been on friendly terms through their separation, which has certainly made some things a lot easier. But my dad’s actions following their split have been causing issues.
My dad seemed to rebound pretty hard after the divorce. He started frequenting bars and going on blind dates most evenings. I can’t lie, my mom and I worried that he wasn’t coping well with the split, but he reassured us both that he was a grown man and that we shouldn’t be worrying about him. I acknowledged that, and tried to step back and not meddle in his love life. Nothing crazy came of it, and we didn’t talk about it much.
About a month ago, dad met up with me and mom to tell us about a new relationship he was in. To our surprise, he pulled out his phone and showed us his new girlfriend – a 23 year old. Neither of us really knew what to say, as my dad gushed about how wonderful she was and how she was an “old soul” who he had a profound connection with. He kept on and on until my mom essentially asked what the hell he was doing with a girl younger than his daughter. To be clear, the dates he told us about in the past had always been around his age. My dad didn’t take mom’s question well, arguing that she was a consenting adult and he wasn’t forcing her to be with him. My mom acknowledged that it was legal, to which my dad was like “then if you can’t support us it’s your problem”.
We didn’t know how to feel about this. I know it’s not illegal, and if they both want to they can do whatever they want, but I can’t deny it makes me uncomfortable. Last weekend my mom had a family BBQ and my dad asked if he could bring his girlfriend and introduce us. I arrived and they were already there, and honestly within two seconds of speaking to dad’s girlfriend, I felt so bad for her. She just seemed so childlike and nervous, and I felt super uncomfortable for her being in this situation. Meanwhile my dad was going around to the family talking about how great their relationship is, and how he’s “23 at heart”. People were clearly weirded out and he didn’t seem to notice, and he kept making a show of going over and kissing his girlfriend.
So yeah, I don’t know how to feel about this. I don’t like the relationship, but is it even my place to do anything about it? It’s at a point where I dread seeing my dad because I know he’ll talk endlessly about his girlfriend, then I just remember her face at the BBQ and feel so weirded out. My mom doesn’t like it either but says he has to work it out on his own. If I try to tell him how I feel, what would I even say? I’m just at a loss, and don’t know what to do.
Okay, let’s unpack this. Your discomfort with your dad’s new relationship is completely understandable. A parent dating someone younger than their child is bound to raise some eyebrows and create some awkwardness, to say the least.
It’s clear that you care about your dad and want what’s best for him. But as your mom wisely pointed out, he’s an adult who has to navigate this situation on his own. That doesn’t mean you can’t express your concerns to him, but it’s important to do so carefully and respectfully.
I would suggest having a private conversation with your dad, just the two of you. Emphasize that you love him and want him to be happy, but gently share your reservations about the age gap and power imbalance in this relationship. Point out the discomfort it caused at the family BBQ. Ask him to try to see this from your perspective as his daughter.
At the same time, be prepared that he may get defensive or dismiss your concerns. If that happens, there’s not much you can do other than reiterating your love and support, and setting some boundaries around how much you want this girlfriend involved in your own life and family gatherings. You can’t control your dad’s choices, but you can control your own.
As for the girlfriend, while her youth and unease at the BBQ raised red flags for you, be careful not to infantilize her either. She is indeed a legal adult capable of making her own decisions, however ill-advised they may seem to you. If you have the opportunity, perhaps try to get to know her a bit better as a person.
Ultimately, this is an uncomfortable situation without easy answers. The best you can do is be honest with your dad, be kind to his girlfriend, set appropriate boundaries, and hope that with time, the relationship either matures into something healthier or runs its course. Wishing you wisdom and patience as you navigate this tricky family terrain.