We all love to think we have everyone else figured out, don’t we? That asshole neighbor – he’s just an entitled prick. Your naggy mom – she’s a control freak who can’t let go. Your lazy coworker – he’s an incompetent moron skating by. Sound familiar?
Here’s the hard truth: A lot of the stories we spin about other people are actually just reflections of our own issues and insecurities. It’s called psychological projection, and we all fucking do it. Constantly.
When we see traits in others that we can’t stand, oftentimes it’s because those are the traits we dislike and fear most in ourselves. By pinning them on someone else, we get to pretend we don’t have them. It’s a convenient mental escape hatch from our own bullshit.
So your entitled neighbor? Maybe you secretly wish you could be that assertive. Controlling mom? Part of you craves more order and predictability in your own life. Lazy coworker? You’re terrified of being perceived as inadequate at your job.
The qualities we’re quickest to condemn in others are often the ones striking the rawest nerves within ourselves. What bothers us most about others reveals uncomfortable truths about our own shortcomings and struggles.
But projection doesn’t just work in the negative direction. We also project our hopes, values and ambitions onto others. That friend you admire for being so confident and charismatic? Odds are those are qualities you aspire to embody yourself.
Our judgements of others – both positive and negative – hold up a mirror to the hidden beliefs, fears, and aspirations rattling around in our own heads. They say far more about us than they do about the people we’re judging.
So the next time you catch yourself formulating a scathing story about what someone else’s behavior says about them, flip that shit around. What does your intense reaction say about YOU and the issues you’re grappling with? Owning your projections is the first step to setting yourself free.
We’re all flawed, struggling, insecure creatures. Recognizing how and why we project onto others is key to extending more compassion – both to the people who trigger us, and to our own imperfect selves. It’s only by seeing and accepting reality that we can begin to change it.