When I finally get to pee after a long meeting
When I get a match on Tinder
1. It might not count because I was massively pregnant but I woke up in the middle of the night, poured an entire box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch into a big glass bowl, threw in a bag of marshmallows, drizzled it with melted butter and then put it in the microwave to melt the marshmallows. I then watched Dexter for 2 hours and ate the whole thing while crying.
2. Okay I have the perfect story for this. I told my wife I was going to the gym, but somehow I ended up going to Mcdonald’s instead. I ate my cheeseburgers in a parking lot, and waited a little while until it seemed long enough for a workout. When I got home, I poured water on my head and shirt to look like I had been sweating. That is the absolute saddest and fattest thing I have ever done.
3. I ate half of a cake once when I should have only one piece. I was horrified and didn’t want anyone to know, so I finished the cake, baked a whole new one, forced myself to eat the one allowed piece. Then I barfed in the middle of dinner.
4. I once ate almost an entire bucket of those cheese balls then I sat there in my orange shame reflecting on the choices I’ve made.
5. Ever heard of a Scotch egg? I make a dessert version using spice cake wrapped around a Cadbury egg and deep fried. Served with buttercream frosting as “gravy”. It’s absolutely delicious, but everyone within a 10 meter radius gets diabetes
6. I ate two pans of brownies in less than an hour. I didn’t even realise that I’d eaten that much until I saw the two empty pans.
7. Bought a dozen large apple fritters, ate 11, puked, ate #12, napped.