My husband(31M) has never gone beyond a kiss to me (28F) in the 4 years we’ve been married.
My husband was my best friend: knew each other in 2014, and I wanted him to stay with me (he’s from England) with the hope everything would turn into more.
First year of marriage, he had severe back problems and I understood.
Second year was COVID and I understood then.
Third year, we bought our house and I told him I wasn’t happy. He was overtly affectionate for a couple weeks and went back to the same routine.
Now I’m coming up on 4 years and he went through my messages last Monday with some friends and came across me venting to a guy friend I had been semi-flirtatious with about our marriage and how I felt ugly and unloved.
Now he tells me it’s because when he was 15/16 and was an apprentice, an older man took him out back and did things, which is why he has intimacy issues. Which, I completely understand how that is traumatic, as I was sexually assaulted when I was a young teen.
But the past 4 years I’ve felt inadequate while catering to his life. Paying for green card paperwork, driving him everywhere as he has no license (he works nights, I wake up at 5:40am every morning tuesday thru saturday to pick him up), making his doctor appointments for him, handling all the loans and bills, and all big decisions that really should be joint decisions. All while feeling unloved and ugly.
On Saturday he tried to initiate sex with me while drunk and it made me so mad and upset. That the only way he could fuck me is if he was intoxicated. And now I feel I am so mentally and emotionally clocked out that unless he pulls a miracle change, that I will leave him by the end of the year.
I don’t know what to do going forward but I’m just so sad because he was my best friend and if it weren’t for this issue, I think we’d be fine. But I’m not equipped to be anyone’s therapist, and this was definitely something I should have been told, as he has kept hanging the possibility of children over my head, knowing I desperately want them.
Before anyone says anything: I have initiated every single aspect of our relationship. I wanted him to do this one thing and made it clear to him. Never has he said anything. I’m just. Ugh.