Don’t be like me
My wife and I were together 9 years, married 6 when I started my affair. We have two kids. I didn’t realize just how good I had it. She was a supportive, loving, kind woman who put me and the kids before herself every time, and I didn’t appreciate that. I felt like she didn’t praise me enough for the things I did for the family, which I now realize was pretty bare bones compared to what she did for us. I felt like we didn’t have sex enough and like my efforts to look good for her weren’t appreciated or reciprocated. I resented how much time she spent with the kids vs. with me. I thought she didn’t put in enough effort to be interested in my hobbies.
My AP was ten years younger than me, when the affair started I was 31 and she was 21. I liked the attention from a younger woman who wasn’t always tired from keeping up with the kids and who stroked my inflated ego. I was a selfish bastard. I drank too much, I told my wife I was working late or hanging out with friends when really I was with my AP.
My wife trusted me completely and the affair had carried on for almost two years by the time I initiated the separation. She wasn’t blindsided, she’d been asking me to be more present and to put more work into our marriage and into parenting. I refused every time citing the fact that I was the primary earner and that was enough. But she was upset, and asked if there was someone else. I said no, but her suspicions were finally coming up and she checked my Apple Watch, and found everything she needed to know. Even though I’d moved out, I hadn’t filed, but my wife did. She confronted my AP and told her she hoped she would be a good stepmother to our kids, despite her lack of morals. At the time I thought my wife was out of line and being spiteful.
Now I’m alone. AP took those words to heart and realized she didn’t want to be a stepmother in any capacity. She broke up with me after a few months, saying that she wasnt in love with me and never had been. She just liked the attention. I can’t say I had any different reasoning for being in an affair so I couldn’t even be mad.
My wife has full custody and I see the kids every other weekend. She went back to work and put both kids in daycare, which I pay for. It’s expensive. They still have the house and I’ve got a roommate.
All my wife wanted was me to put in effort and to recognize hers. I only focused on myself. I didn’t date her. I was selfish in bed when we did have sex and didn’t listen to her when she asked for more effort in that regard. My 7-year-old asked me recently if I was going to get a girlfriend, because Mom has a boyfriend. I didn’t know my ex was dating, but I hope it’s with someone who gives her everything I didnt.
If you’re in an affair, end it. Block and delete them, if they’re at your job quit and find a new one. If they’re at a coffee shop you go to find a different one. If they’re just a fantasy, stop it and start fantasizing about your future with your spouse. If you’re thinking of starting an affair, do the same, and refocus that energy onto your spouse. I’ve never been more lonely in my life and never been filled with more regret. I wish I had a time machine and I know she does too, but not for the reasons I do.