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He becomes more withdrawn from friends and family
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He actively avoids talking about himself and changes the subject if people try to ask. Other than a generic “doing ok” or equivalent, he will conspicuously avoid talking about any of his personal life (unless you can get him onto a topic like a hobby that he’s really into. But general personal life / relationship stuff? That’s often a no-go).
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If you ask him to do something or buy something, his first thought is always to check with her first. And the thought isn’t driven from a place of respect, but fear.
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At the same time, he must not give the impression that he is in any way under her thumb (so if he asks, it’s dangerous to ask where other people might hear him), because that gives a bad impression of her as if she’s controlling him. And she cannot abide that (even though it’s true).
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He is extremely careful about what he says around her. This is NOT the same as giving the impression he isn’t happy. He can in fact act very jovial but he will be careful with his words at every stage to make sure no offense is taken by her. This is not always possible, because the anger in unpredictable. Which leads to:
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He feels as if he need to walk on eggshells around her because she can interpret anything in a negative light, and / or will not view anything he does in a positive light.
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Related to the above: If you ever get the chance to see snippets of their inner life (when the mask is off), his mistakes are viewed as deliberate actions against her, done with forethought and malice (or else she will let him know its because of his sheer incompetence). His thoughtful efforts aren’t good enough. And he’s constantly on guard because any happy moment can pivot to her being upset in an instant over any reason. In abusive situations, the public facing happiness is a mask. Indoors, he is miserable, and he does everything in his power to hide it from everyone in his life.
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He has terrible boundaries with her. She can mock, belittle, berate him in public, and he’ll laugh it off as if it’s a joke. Were he to do the same to her in even the slightest degree, it would be World War 3.
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Related to the above: Whatever behaviour is displayed in public, it’s unfortunately a good chance that what happens in private is way worse.
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Equally related: She quickly has heavy jealousy over whatever or whoever she may perceive as threats to the relationship. And she will cut him off from them (and he will likely tell you it was his idea, or just quietly extricate himself without a word)
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He may be constantly having to act as peacemaker on her behalf.
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She may be obsessed with giving the impression that the relationship is perfect. She has to project that it’s perfect to everyone seeing it, and the perception of imperfection is something that can very quickly cause her to spiral far in excess of what the situation warrants.
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She can quickly flip from liking people to outright despising them, even over a minor perceived slight. And he’d better follow suit and support her on this too, or else that’s proof of how unsupportive he is of her, that he never takes her side, that he’s against her.
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He will often take great pains in conversation not to appear to disagree with her (he will often be very adept at platitudes and will take great efforts to calm her down, directly or through diversion). Contorting himself around her opinions so that he doesn’t seem to have a different opinion to what she said, whilst still trying to keep things reasonable.
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If she believes he disagrees with her, that means (from her perspective) he is disrespecting her and telling her that her opinion is shit and she is shit. And she will get angry because of this, and will possibly either argue right there and then, or storm off in the expectation that he will chase her to make amends for his transgression.
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If she wants it, it’s a necessity. Conversely you likely won’t even hear what he wants, he may not even bring it up.
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This isn’t evidence of abuse, but it’s a strong correlate for someone to be abused: He is quite likely a People Pleaser. He will view self-sacrifice as a virtue (not necessarily a bad thing on its own) to such a degree that he will put her needs above his any and every time. To the point where he may view the idea of his actually having needs of any kind as innately selfish. He is likely the kind of person who would be very hesitant to ask anyone for any favour, purely for not wanting to trouble them or because he feels he should be able to “deal with” things himself.
The irony is, the nicer a person you are, the easier a target you are for these behaviours. Because your first impulse when someone is angry or upset with you isn’t “what is the actual reality of what is happening?”. It’s “what did I do wrong?”
If the other person is upset, and they’re telling you you’re terrible and that it’s your fault that they’re upset, your first instinct is to think you screwed up. I mean why would they lie about it, right?
So you take the blame, fess up, do everything you can to “make it right” and make her happy again. Sometimes even if you don’t truly believe you did anything wrong. She feels hurt, so even if you didn’t mean it and don’t genuinely believe you did anything to make her upset? what’s the harm in ignoring a little thing like that and just making her feel better? You could be wrong after all, you might have done something terrible and just don’t recognize it.
The people who suffer worst from these kinds of relationships are usually real people-pleasers. And they can also often feel it’s their responsibility to regulate other people’s emotions and make sure they don’t get upset.
– oncothrow