I am struggling with my relationship with my 12-year-old daughter and desperately need guidance. The truth is, as much as I love her, I find it very difficult to connect with her or even enjoy being around her.
My daughter is awkward, insecure, and doesn’t seem to fit in with her peers – a carbon copy of myself at that age. When i look at my daughter, i see myself… and it hurts. Seeing those painful traits resurface in her brings back a lot of my own unresolved issues from being an awkward preteen myself. I was an ugly duckling – glasses, bad teeth, never had the right clothes or friends. Now I see my daughter struggling socially in the same ways and it triggers so much anxiety and discomfort in me.
I know she can sense that I pull away from her. Hugging her feels forced, even though objectively I know she’s a great kid. With my younger sons, affection comes easily. But with my daughter, my own baggage gets in the way. The more she exhibits the traits I hated in myself, the more critical and impatient I find myself being with her.
I’m self-aware enough to realize the problem lies with me, not her. I haven’t made peace with the insecure adolescent I used to be. And now I’m projecting all that self-loathing and shame onto my innocent child. The last thing I want is to repeat the toxic dynamic I had with my own mother, who was so critical that we’re now estranged.
How do I break this cycle? How do I separate my daughter from my own painful past and learn to embrace her fully? I want to shower her with unconditional love and support, especially as she navigates the social minefield of middle school. But I’m at a loss for how to resolve my own issues so I can show up as the mother she needs.
Please help me learn to love my younger self, so I can give my daughter the nurturing and acceptance she deserves. I’m ready to do the hard work, I just need guidance on where to start.
– Thank you, A Loving Mom Trying Her Best
Recognizing the patterns you want to break and the ways your own pain is impacting your daughter is a huge first step. It takes remarkable insight and courage to confront these difficult truths head-on.
It’s completely understandable that your daughter’s struggles would trigger unresolved wounds from your own adolescence. When we haven’t made peace with our past selves, it’s all too easy to project that discomfort onto our children, especially when we see them facing similar challenges. But as you wisely acknowledge, your daughter deserves to be seen and loved for who she is, not through the lens of your own history.
The key to breaking this cycle lies in doing the inner work to heal your relationship with your younger self. This means confronting the painful memories and emotions you’ve been carrying around, and extending compassion to the awkward preteen you once were. She was doing the best she could with what she had – just like your daughter is now. Practice talking to your inner child with the love and acceptance you wish you’d received. Reassure her that she was always worthy, regardless of her appearance or social standing.
At the same time, strive to see your daughter as her own unique person, separate from your baggage. When you catch yourself projecting your insecurities onto her or responding with criticism, pause and consciously choose a different approach. Ask yourself what she needs in that moment – empathy, encouragement, a listening ear? Focus on building a relationship based on trust and emotional safety, where she feels seen and supported for exactly who she is.
Remember, healing is a process and it won’t happen overnight. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you do this hard work. Consider enlisting the support of a therapist who can guide you in processing your own adolescent wounds and developing strategies for showing up differently as a parent. Commit to your own growth and wellbeing, knowing that by facing your past, you’re giving your daughter a brighter future.
You’re already on the right path by reaching out and declaring your intention to change. Have faith in your capacity to evolve and overcome this challenge. As you learn to love and accept yourself unconditionally, you’ll naturally extend that same grace to your daughter. And in turn, she’ll internalize the message that she is inherently lovable, awkwardness and all.
Your daughter is so lucky to have a mom who is willing to look inward and break familial patterns so she can be the best parent possible. Trust that every step you take to heal yourself is also a gift to her. You’ve got this.
Wishing you all the best on this transformative journey.