I married someone who embodied qualities I had not found in anyone else before. She has a huge heart and is extremely clever. Unfortunately, I don’t find her physically attractive which has put a strain on our marriage since the beginning. My previous ex I went after solely because of her appearance and that was about the best thing I could say about her.
My wife is not unpleasant to look at, but she is a bit overweight and plain looking. I know I’m a total ass to even think about her this way, much less type it out. I wanted to marry her because of who she was, not what she looked like. I had thought the physical attraction would come later and since looks don’t last, this would surely be a good decision. While we were dating, we had sex often, though she always initiated.
Once we got married, she decided she shouldn’t have to initiate sex all the time and since ultimately her personality is a bit shy and conservative, she wanted me to initiate in the more traditional way a man would with his wife. To this day, I may have initiated sex once or twice in our whole marriage. I want to have sex on a regular basis (2-3 times per week), but I guess I don’t get jazzed up about it. She can certainly arouse me, but that’s not the same as attraction. I think our yearly average is less than 5 times having sex and we did not at all last year.
This creates a vicious cycle in our marriage because I am continually hurting her and making her feel insecure and doubting her worth, not intentionally, of course. I want to view her as the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I want my loins to burn with passion when we’re alone. I don’t know how to get to that point.
Dear Struggling Husband,
There’s a lot to unpack here. First, I commend your honesty, both with yourself and with me. It’s not easy to admit when physical attraction is lacking in a relationship, especially a marriage.
You say you married your wife for her heart, her cleverness, her personality – all wonderful reasons to choose a life partner. But sexual attraction does matter in a romantic relationship, and it’s clear the lack of it is causing significant problems in your marriage.
It’s concerning that you’ve only initiated sex a handful of times in your entire marriage. Even if your wife’s appearance doesn’t ignite passion in you, her desire for you should be a powerful motivator. The fact that it isn’t suggests a deeper disconnect.
I have to ask: are you sure this is just about physical attraction? Sometimes when one area of a relationship is strained, it can masquerade as a different problem. Are there other issues – emotional intimacy, communication, resentment – that could be dampening your desire?
So I encourage you to ask yourself: if this problem were solved – if you woke up tomorrow wildly attracted to your wife – would you feel 100% happy and fulfilled in your marriage? Or would there be other issues that you’d then need to confront?
Perhaps there are problems with emotional intimacy, communication, or unresolved resentments that are harder to face than “my wife is overweight and I’m not attracted to her.” Those deeper issues may be the real root of your marital struggles, with the attraction piece being a more comfortable scapegoat.
You could try making fitness a couples’ activity – go for runs or hikes together, which would give you quality time to connect while also getting healthier. You could buy her some clothing or lingerie that you find sexy, as a way of appreciating and investing in her appearance.
If the problem truly is a lack of physical attraction, there are a few things to consider. First, are there steps your wife could take to become more attractive to you? I hesitate to suggest changing one’s appearance for a partner, but if she’s open to losing some weight or updating her style, it might spark something in you.
More importantly, though, you need to work on your own mindset. Attraction isn’t just about looks; it’s about appreciating the whole person. When you look at your wife, focus on the qualities that made you fall in love with her, her huge heart and clever mind. These are not consolation prizes but profound virtues that can deepen attraction over time.
It’s essential, however, to confront the reality that you may never see her as the “most beautiful woman” in the purely physical sense you describe. But that doesn’t preclude a different kind of attraction from growing, one rooted in emotional intimacy, admiration, and shared experience.
You also need to have an honest conversation with your wife about this. She deserves to know what’s going on in your head. Approach it with love and a genuine desire to reconnect. Consider seeing a couples counselor to help navigate this.
Ultimately, you can’t force attraction, but you can create conditions for it to grow. It will require work and commitment from both of you. If you truly want your “loins to burn,” you need to tend to the fire of your entire relationship. Focus on building emotional intimacy, shared experiences, and appreciation for each other, inside and out.
Rooting for you both.