This girl is my (f23) best friend since we were kids. I’ve spent 10+ years being her friend but I can tell you she’s not a nice person. She has never been true to anyone in her life.
She cheated on her wonderful boyfriend with her toxic ex while they were living together and were committed to each other. She told me blushing and asked me to keep it a secret. It’s been 2 years since I’ve known and it eats me to hide it from that genuinely nice man.
She doesn’t even give emotional or mental support to her boyfriend and is a financial burden on him, as he pays for every single one of her expenses including the rent and bills.
I’m not that close to the guy but I genuinely feel sorry for him and wanna tell him but this means the end of my friendship with my best friend. What should I do?
Dear Troubled Friend,
What a painful situation to be in. Your loyalty to your childhood friend is clashing with your moral impulse to let this man know he’s being deceived and used. That’s an awful place to be.
This is one of those tangled scenarios where the right thing feels overwhelmingly difficult, yet the alternative feels overwhelmingly wrong. It’s the proverbial rock and a hard place.
You’re carrying the weight of your friend’s secret, which is unfair to you, and you’re witnessing ongoing injustice towards her boyfriend, which is unfair to him. Holding this information is clearly causing you distress, and understandably so. Integrity is not just a personal value; it’s an active practice, and sometimes it demands tough decisions.
In this scenario, you have a few paths to consider. Each comes with its set of repercussions:
-
Say nothing and maintain the status quo. This is the easiest immediate path, but it’s clear from your message that this choice is eating at you. Ignoring such strong feelings usually doesn’t lead to peace.
-
Encourage your friend to come clean. This places the responsibility back on your friend where it belongs. It’s fair and just for her boyfriend to hear the truth from her rather than a third party. However, from your description, this might be an unlikely outcome given her past behaviors.
-
Tell her boyfriend yourself. This is the direct approach and ensures he knows the truth, but it carries the high risk of ending your friendship and possibly causing substantial fallout.
Before you make a choice, reflect on what you value most in your relationships. Is it integrity, loyalty, honesty? Your action should align with these principles. Remember, while friendships are precious, they should not demand that you compromise on your ethical beliefs. A true friend wouldn’t ask you to carry such a burden of deceit.
Furthermore, consider the outcome you believe is ultimately right. If you were in her boyfriend’s shoes, what would you want? If you decide to tell him, think about how you would want such sensitive information delivered to you.
No matter what you choose, prepare for some discomfort. If you decide it’s your place to tell the boyfriend, be discreet and compassionate. He deserves the truth, but he also deserves some sensitivity given the nature of the information.
Lastly, take a moment to reflect on the larger pattern of your friendship. You’ve described your friend in ways that suggest ongoing conflicts with your values. It might be time to evaluate whether this friendship aligns with who you are and who you want to be. Sometimes, the healthiest choice is to step away from relationships that consistently put you at odds with your own sense of right and wrong.
Wishing you clarity and courage.