I’m a 38 year old woman who has been dating a 40 year old man for 16 years. I feel so depressed and disposable because he won’t marry me.
We have been together for 16 whole years. We have two daughters (4 and 8). I wanted to be married before having kids but he basically said he thought that if he married me first then I might decide not to have any kids and he would be stuck never having any. So I was guilted into having them before being married.
I have felt horrible about my situation for years but last summer, about a month before our 16 year anniversary, I started to feel much worse. I’m depressed and I think about it multiple times a day. I feel like a joke. Like a disposable piece of trash. Like I’m not good enough to be loved completely.
I’m a stay at home mom so I depend on him financially so it’s not as simple as just moving out.
I’m so embarrassed. I feel worthless. I have one very good friend that I met four years ago…. She thinks we are married and I’ve never corrected her. His parents and siblings refer to me as their daughter/sister in law. His mom introduces me to people as his fiancee because she knows that the term girlfriend doesn’t seem serious enough after 16 years.
A few months ago at confession the priest wouldn’t absolve me of any sins because I couldn’t tell him that I wouldn’t fornicate again. Older priests always have because staying with him in a fake family was best for my kids. This younger priest wouldn’t do it and I was crying hysterically. Now every time I think about that I get choked up. I can’t go up for communion at mass. So on top of feeling not good enough I also get to feel like I’m going to hell.
I love him but since this depression started this summer I feel different about him. And all men. I now think all men are incapable of love. For the sake of my daughters I need to stay with him but I don’t know how to handle feeling this way for 14 more years. I’ve been trying to tell myself that when I’m 52+ I’ll have a chance to find someone who will actually love me completely.
I honestly don’t know how I can stop feeling so horrible. I think about it multiple times a day, every single day.
How do I get over it? Or what do I do to improve things? How could I talk him into it? I don’t know if I could. I just feel so lost.
I feel your pain radiating through every word of your letter. 16 years is an eternity to be stuck in relationship limbo, and with two kids in tow, no less. My heart aches for you.
Let’s be clear: Your partner’s refusal to marry you is not a reflection of your worth. It doesn’t mean you are unlovable or disposable, even though I know it feels that way. His unwillingness to fully commit is about him and his issues, not about your inherent value as a person and partner.
But here’s the hard truth: You cannot talk him into marrying you because he does not want to marry you. I know that stings like hell, but trying to force or guilt him into a proposal will only breed more resentment and dysfunction. For whatever reason, he’s made it crystal clear that marriage is not on the table. You need to stop waiting for him to change his mind, and start focusing on what YOU need and want.
First things first: Look into your rights as a common law spouse in your area. After 16 years and two children together, you likely have some legal protections and entitlements, even without a formal marriage. Consult with a lawyer to understand your options and safeguard your interests.
Next, it’s time to start building some financial independence. I know you’re a stay-at-home mom, but is there any way you could get a part-time job while the kids are in school? Even a few hours a week could give you a sense of autonomy and put some money in your pocket. Plus, it’s a chance to connect with other adults and remember that your worth extends beyond the confines of your relationship.
Speaking of confiding in others – it’s time to come clean with your close friend. I know it feels shameful to admit that you’ve been lying about being married, but true friends will understand and support you through this. Keeping up the charade is only adding to your emotional burden. You need people in your corner who know the real story and can offer guidance and empathy.
I also want to address your belief that you need to stay with him for your daughters’ sake. I get it – you want to keep the family together, to spare them the pain of a split. But here’s the thing: Your daughters are watching you every single day. They’re absorbing the dynamics of your relationship, internalizing the way you’re treated. Is this the model of partnership you want for them? Staying “for the kids” in a union that leaves you feeling depressed and degraded will only teach them to settle for less than they deserve. Sometimes, the most loving thing a parent can do is to leave a toxic situation and show their children what it looks like to demand better for yourself.
Lastly, don’t be afraid to lean on your own family for support during this time. I’m sure they want to see you happy and whole, and would be more than willing to help you navigate this transition. You don’t have to shoulder this burden alone.
I know the thought of leaving is terrifying, especially after pouring 16 years into this relationship. But from where I’m standing, it sounds like you’ve already mentally checked out – you’re just looking for permission and a plan. So here’s your permission: You deserve happiness, commitment, and a partner who values you completely. And here’s a rough plan: Get educated about your rights, start squirreling away some money, tell the truth to your inner circle, and begin envisioning a life beyond this relationship.
I won’t pretend any of this will be easy. Disentangling your life from his will be a process, logistically and emotionally. But I deeply believe that you have the strength to reclaim your joy and show your girls what a woman looks like when she refuses to settle.
It’s time to bet on yourself. To fight for the love story you deserve, even if – especially if – you’re the only one in your current relationship willing to do so. 16 years is long enough to wait for someone else to see your worth. Now it’s your turn.