I’ve been a side chick for over 5 years.
I didn’t know he had another girlfriend until about 2.5 years into the relationship. Keep in mind, by this time I was already so deep in love with this man and thought I’d marry him. Lost my v-card to him and everything. We met when I was young and he was a bit older and the effect he had on me was insane. To cut a long story short, I was so in love with him already that I couldn’t bear the thought of being without him. So I stayed. Fuck me, I know.
She doesn’t know about me, but I know about her. His excuse for this whole thing is that he needs to stay with her because he’s getting a permanent visa via their relationship. And that once he gets it, he’ll leave her and we’ll be together. I know this is fucking stupid but I literally love this man so much I don’t know how to leave.
But I know I must leave, and I’ve been slowly building the courage. It’s especially hard because I have an insane level of chemistry with him. We’re so compatible in every way, besides the fact that he has someone else. He helps me financially and emotionally and I love being around him and the sex is great. But I know this fucked up situation has to end and I need to move on. He lives with her too, they own a house and share a bed but he claims they don’t sleep together (???).
I guess what’s tipped me over the edge is that I just found out they adopted a dog together. We would always speak about adopting a husky together one day but he’s gone and done it with her behind my back.
This “””relationship””” was doomed from the start and I know what I have to do. The thought of living my life without him is almost too painful to think about. But it can’t be much worse than crying myself to sleep every night knowing he’s in bed with another woman.
And yes I know I’m a homewrecker and a fucking idiot and a loser.
Oh, you’re being so hard on yourself. I know it hurts. I know it feels like this pain will never end. But please, hear me: You are not an idiot. You are not a loser. You are a person who fell in love and made some tough choices that you now regret. That’s so human. We’ve all been there in some way.
I understand loving someone so much that leaving feels impossible, even when your brain is screaming that you must. That kind of intense, undeniable chemistry is incredibly powerful. It can override all logic and reason. And when you’re young and experiencing love for the first time, it’s even more overwhelming.
But here’s the hard truth: He’s not going to leave her. Not now, not when he gets his visa. He’s showing you, loud and clear, where his priorities lie. Adopting a dog together is a huge commitment – it says “we’re building a life together.” As much as it hurts, you need to believe his actions over his words.
When we’re in the throes of an intense romantic connection, it’s easy to lose sight of our core values. We make compromises we never thought we would. We negotiate with our own conscience, telling ourselves it’s okay to bend the rules just this once, for this person. But over time, those small concessions can add up to a life we hardly recognize.
I suspect that’s what’s happened here. You never set out to be someone’s “side chick.” You didn’t intend to participate in the deception of another woman. But your love for him was so consuming, you found yourself going along with things that went against your values. And now, five years in, you’re realizing just how far you’ve strayed from the person you want to be.
But here’s the good news: It’s never too late to realign your life with your values. You can decide, right now, to start making choices that honor your integrity. It won’t be easy – in fact, it’ll probably be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. But there’s a deep peace that comes from living authentically, from being able to look at yourself in the mirror and know you’re doing the right thing.
Walking away from him is the first step. It’s a powerful statement to yourself and the world that you deserve honesty, loyalty, and respect. That you’re no longer willing to compromise your worth for a man who keeps you in the shadows.
And as you move forward, let your values be your guide. Surround yourself with people who uplift and inspire you, who bring out the best in you. Pursue work and passions that fill you with purpose. Build a life that aligns with your definition of goodness and integrity.
There’s an old saying that character is who you are in the dark. Well, it’s time to step into the light. To be the kind of person who does the right thing, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.
You have so much love to give. Don’t waste it on someone who isn’t fully available to receive it. Save it for the person who will cherish you openly and honestly, who will be proud to stand by your side.
You’ve been through a lot, but this experience doesn’t define you. Let it refine you. Let it be the catalyst that helps you grow into the best version of yourself.
You’ve got a bright future ahead of you, full of love and possibility. But it starts with choosing your own well-being, with honoring your own worth.
You can do this. I believe in you.