Let me guess. You want me to give you some magic formula for charming the pants off of everyone you meet. You want a step-by-step guide for wooing strangers with your wit and leaving a trail of enamored new friends wherever you go.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but that’s not how it works. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to engaging with new people. Because spoiler alert: People are complex, unpredictable, and often pretty dang weird.
However, there is one method that I’ve found to be consistently effective. And it’s so mind-numbingly simple that you’ll probably want to punch me for even saying it. But here it goes:
Just be genuinely curious about them.
I know, I know. You were hoping for something a little sexier. A little more tactical. But the truth is, the most engaging people are the ones who are sincerely interested in others.
Think about it. When was the last time you felt truly engaged in a conversation? I bet it wasn’t when someone was droning on about themselves or trying to impress you with their accomplishments. It was probably when they asked you meaningful questions, listened intently to your responses, and showed a real desire to understand your perspective.
That’s because we all want to feel seen and heard. We all want to feel like our thoughts and experiences matter. And when someone gives us their undivided attention and seeks to genuinely know us, it’s incredibly validating and appealing.
Now, I’m not saying you should just rapid-fire questions at people like you’re interrogating a suspect. That’s weird and off-putting. The key is to ask thoughtful questions that show you’re really trying to understand them, and then to actively listen to their responses.
Ask about their passions, their challenges, their beliefs. Probe beneath the surface-level stuff and try to get a sense of what makes them tick. And when they share something personal or vulnerable, handle it with care and respect.
Of course, this means you have to actually care about the answers. If you’re just asking questions to be polite or to fill the silence, people will see right through that. Your curiosity has to be authentic.
And I get it, not everyone you meet is going to be inherently fascinating to you. But here’s a little secret: Every single person has something unique and interesting about them. You just have to be willing to look for it.
So next time you’re in a social situation and feeling awkward or tongue-tied, fall back on curiosity. Ask someone what they’re passionate about and watch their face light up. Inquire about their most bizarre talent and prepare to be entertained.
Here are some questions you can ask to get the ball rolling:
- “If you won the lottery tomorrow and never had to work again, how would you spend your time? What would you absolutely have to keep doing, just because you love it so much?”
- “If you had to teach a class on any subject of your choosing, what would it be? What do you know so much about that you could talk about it in front of a group without even breaking a sweat?”
- “What’s the thing you’re most proud of in your life so far? The achievement or experience that you look back on and think, ‘Damn, that was all me’?”
- “If your best friend was writing your biography, what would they say is the guiding force in your life? The central theme that ties all your choices and experiences together?”
Will this approach lead to lifelong friendship with every single person you meet? Of course not. But it will make you infinitely more engaging than the average self-absorbed schmuck. And even more importantly, it will open you up to learning, growth, and connection in ways you never could have anticipated.
So go forth and be curious, my friend. It’s the gateway to richer interactions and a more interesting life. And that’s something we could all benefit from.