I have been with my girlfriend for just under 3 years. She has had 2 previous relationships that both ended when they cheated on her. Her first boyfriend she has not spoken to in 6 years and the other one she hasn’t spoken to in 4 years.
Her first boyfriend recently messaged asking how she has bene and just wanting to catch up. She told me about it and told me she was planning on replying. I told her I didn’t see why she’d want to bother talking to him when he’s not in her life anymore but just said I can’t stop her talking to him.
She told me a couple more times when he messaged but I believe they have been messaging slightly more than that. She mentioned today that he suggested them going for a drink with a few other friends and catching up. I told her I wasn’t comfortable with her going and she asked why. I just told her it’s disrespectful to be out drinking with your ex. She said she just wants to catch up with him and the other friends but I just repeated that I wasn’t comfortable with her going.
I said if she chooses to go then that will be it with us since I’m no going to just sit back while she’s out drinking with her ex boyfriend. She said I was being controlling but I just pointed out I was only tell her what I am comfortable with and what I’m not comfortable with.
She said I shouldn’t be telling her not to go and should be fine with her going.
Here’s the deal: If your girlfriend’s planning to catch up with her ex in a group setting, why aren’t you invited? That’s a legitimate question to ask.
Let’s cut to the chase: she’s basically telling you she wants to go out and party with her ex. Most people would find that pretty disrespectful. It’s not about you being insecure; it’s about mutual respect. She knows his intentions, and if she’s entertaining his advances, that’s a red flag. If someone cheats on you, cutting them off completely is the norm for most people. Why she would want drinks with someone who disrespected her so badly speaks volumes.
You have every right to set boundaries in your relationship. It’s not about controlling her; it’s about maintaining respect and trust. She’s free to go, but as you’ve clearly stated, there’s a cost to that. If she chooses to prioritize a night out with her ex over your comfort and trust, then maybe it’s time to reevaluate what you both want from this relationship.
At the end of the day, it’s about finding common ground. Have an honest conversation about your boundaries and see if she respects them. If not, it might be time to consider whether this relationship is what you both need.