Imagine this: you’re a little kid, and one of the people you depend on most in this world – a parent who’s supposed to love you unconditionally – up and leaves you. They peace out, either physically or emotionally, and you’re left holding the bag of your own shattered expectations and broken heart.
Now, as a child, you don’t have the cognitive or emotional resources to process this kind of trauma in a healthy way. You can’t rationally say, “Well, Mom/Dad are clearly dealing with their own issues and limitations which have nothing to do with my inherent lovability.” Nah, your kiddie brain defaults to the most obvious, ego-centric explanation: “It must be my fault. I must not be good enough. If I were better, they wouldn’t have left.”
Boom. In one fell swoop, your self-worth takes a major hit. And that belief – that you’re fundamentally unlovable or deficient – can linger in your psyche like a bad fart in an elevator, stinking up your emotional wellbeing for years to come.
Fast forward to adulthood, and you may find yourself unconsciously replaying this abandonment drama in your relationships. You pick partners who are emotionally unavailable or who treat you like shit, because on some level, you’re still trying to prove your worth to that original abandoning parent. Or you push away anyone who gets too close, because vulnerability equals the risk of being left again, and fuck that noise.
Meanwhile, you’re walking around with a gnawing emptiness inside, a sense that you’re just not quite good enough, no matter what you accomplish or how much external validation you rack up. Because that wounded little kid is still calling the shots, defining your worth through the lens of an event you didn’t have the capacity to understand at the time.
So how do you break free from this emotional mindfuck? How do you reclaim your self-worth from the jaws of abandonment?
It starts with recognizing that your parent’s choices had fuck-all to do with your value as a person. They left because of their own limitations, not because of yours. You could have been the most perfect, adorable, lovable little rugrat on the planet, and they still would have bailed, because they were wrestling with their own demons that had nothing to do with you.
Next, you have to grieve. You have to feel the pain of that abandonment fully, to sit with the anger and sadness and hurt, instead of constantly running from it or numbing it with self-destructive habits. This isn’t easy, and you may need the help of a therapist to navigate this emotional shitstorm, but it’s necessary to heal that wounded little kid inside.
Finally, you have to start redefining your worth on your own terms. You have to learn to love and accept yourself, flaws and all, without needing constant external validation to prove your value. This means setting boundaries in your relationships, pursuing your passions unapologetically, and treating yourself with the kindness and respect you deserved all along.
It’s a long, messy, uncomfortable process, but it’s so fucking worth it. Because when you can stare down the pain of abandonment and come out the other side still knowing your inherent worthiness, that’s real freedom. That’s self-love in action.
So if you’re struggling with the aftermath of parental abandonment, know that you’re not alone, and your pain is valid. But also know that you have the power to rewrite the story. You get to decide what defines your worth, not some emotionally stunted adult who projected their own issues onto an innocent child.
It won’t be easy, but few worthwhile things are. The journey to wholeness never is. But trust me, it beats the hell out of staying stuck in the emotional quagmire of self-blame and unworthiness.