I’m an avid chess player, and over the years, my chess rating has become more than just a number—it’s become a part of my identity. Whenever I win a game and see my rating go up, I feel on top of the world. But when I lose and my rating drops, it feels like a personal failure. These fluctuations have started to impact my mood, self-esteem, and even how I interact with others.
Lately, it’s been getting worse. I find myself obsessively checking my rating and replaying my losses in my head, wondering what I could have done differently. I compare myself to higher-rated players and feel inferior and stupid. This has led to anxiety and a lack of enjoyment in other areas of my life. I’m caught in a vicious cycle of self-doubt and pressure to perform, and I don’t know how to break free.
Dear Checkmated by Ratings,
You’re far from alone in letting something external — be it chess ratings, social media likes, income, weight, zip code, a partner’s approval — define your self-worth. Our culture rewards such myopia.
But there’s a common delusion in external validation: that if you just hit the right number, then you’ll like yourself. Except it never produces a lasting sense of accomplishment or self-acceptance. There’s always another goalpost your ego is chasing, another reason to feel “less than.”
So, how to reclaim your equilibrium? First, by understanding that your mind is playing tricks on you. A rating is simply data, a benchmark of chess mastery. That’s it. It is not now, nor will it ever be, an accurate measure of your worth as a human being. You are so much more than any number — on or off the chessboard.
Correcting this mental error frees you to refocus on what matters: the joy of the game. You play because you love it — the elegant strategies, the mental challenge, the thrill of competition. When you’re fully present in the moment, immersed in the flow of the game, there is no room for obsessive thoughts.
Consider a practice of mindfulness, whether through meditation, yoga, journaling or time in nature. It’s a powerful way to override toxic self-talk and shift your attention to gratitude and growth. Savor the journey of getting better at something you love. Thank your body and mind for working in tandem. Process your losses with self-compassion, mining them for lessons, then letting them go.
Lastly, open up to a trusted friend, family member or therapist about what you’ve been going through. Shame and isolation will only keep you stuck. Connection is the antidote, reminding you that your worthiness has nothing to do with wins and losses.
Like the game itself, life is full of highs and lows, advances and setbacks. Our fulfillment lies in meeting both with grace.
Wishing you joy in every game.