I have been married for 13 years to a wife who is in most ways a wonderful partner – smart, organized, good mother to our two children, generally respectful and not overly controlling. We’ve been on wonderful trips together.
She is however, a bit high strung, and does a real hot temper, and when she gets mad about something, will occasionally punch or slap me. Now all the time, but sometimes — say, a few times a year.
I’m a lot larger than her and so I can take it (I played contact sports as a kid) but I don’t exactly like it. (The yelling isn’t great either) I’ve told her that I don’t like it — and I don’t think she’s exactly proud of it and I think she is ashamed at her temper. That said she can also be somewhat self-righteous and isn’t highly apologetic. That may be because some of the stuff she gets angry about isn’t trivial but objectively anger-inducing (say, totally forgetting about something I’d repeatedly promised to do, or relentlessly pushing for things or reopening decisions like more or longer vacations when she wants to work more). I just want to admit I’m not a perfect husband who is yelled at for no reason.
In marriage therapy I mentioned it as well but for some reason the therapist didn’t make a big deal of it, but focused more on what I am doing to make her angry. It would be a lot to throw away a long marriage over a few slaps here and there.
Physical violence is never acceptable in a relationship, no matter the circumstances or what you may have done to anger your wife. Her hitting you is a huge red flag that needs to be addressed head-on, not minimized or blamed on you.
You say you can “take it” because of your size, but that’s irrelevant. Abuse is abuse. How would you feel if the genders were reversed – if a husband was routinely hitting his wife when angry, even if she was bigger than him? There’s no excuse for it.
It’s good that you’ve told your wife you don’t like the hitting and that she seems somewhat ashamed. But “somewhat ashamed” and “isn’t highly apologetic” are not enough. She needs to take full responsibility, sincerely apologize, and commit to never doing it again. No excuses.
I understand you don’t want to end an otherwise good marriage over this. But by accepting her behavior, you’re enabling it to continue. What kind of message does that send to your kids about what’s acceptable in relationships?
You need to make crystal clear that it stops now, or you will take steps to protect yourself and your children. Insist that your couples therapist take this seriously and make it the top priority to address. Consider individual counseling for your wife to manage her anger in healthy ways.
You deserve to feel safe in your own home. Drawing this firm line isn’t throwing away your marriage – it’s what’s required to save it and make it truly healthy. Stay strong and don’t downplay this. It’s a big deal and it needs to stop, period.