I’ll begin this story with gassing up my mom. She is a wonderful kind and caring woman. She single handily took care of my brother and I before my dad reentered the picture when I was 9-10. She is a small business owner and has her demons with spending/not saving for retirement/mental health issues. That being said she is extremely extra. She can be very needy, manipulative, emotional and doesn’t deal even remotely well with confrontation or disagreements.
My first marriage had a constant riff regarding my mom gently acknowledging she needed to live with us when she could no longer work. While I tried to have my moms back, it became increasingly difficult as I felt she was trying to manipulate me to convince my ex that she should live with us in the future. When I left my first wife i felt my mom was very supportive of me and I wondered if it was partially related to the above.
Fast forward to now and I am currently in my second marriage and I live in AZ while mom lives up in WA. My current lady is a fantastic person who I recently had our first kid with in April. My mom has been overbearing to her and pushing boundaries ever since she found out she was pregnant. She was definitely excited about having her first grandbaby but I’m talking daily texts, phone calls. If my wife didn’t respond promptly she would sometimes follow up with “sorry to bug you” or other borderline manipulative messages. It has become painfully obvious to my current wife that she is planning on me as her retirement plan and she is not okay with that. While not said, I can strongly assume she would not let my mom live with us.
I personally would rather not be in this situation but am in the tough position of choosing what to do. I agree with my wife but also feel for my mom. I am curious if anyone has been in a similar situation or beat you would do if you were in this situation.
Okay, I’m going to be blunt here: If you continue down this path, you’re risking a future where you’re twice-divorced, paying child support, and living with your mom. Is that really what you want?
From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your mom’s behavior contributed to the demise of your first marriage. Now, you’re allowing similar patterns to strain your second marriage. That’s a worrying trend.
I know you love your mom and want to support her, but at what cost? Your wife and child need to be your top priorities. If you keep letting your mom’s needs and expectations overshadow theirs, you’re going to damage those vital relationships, possibly beyond repair.
It’s time for a wake-up call. You need to establish clear, firm boundaries with your mom and have a kind but very direct conversation. Acknowledge all she’s done for you, but be clear that her living with you isn’t going to be an option.
Encourage her to make a realistic plan for her future. Offer to help her brainstorm options or find resources, but set that key boundary. Also insist that she respects your wife’s role and stops the manipulative, boundary-pushing behavior. If she can’t or won’t, you may need to create some distance to protect your marriage.
I know this is hard. But unless you want to end up alone, supporting multiple households, you need to prioritize your wife and child. Have the tough conversations. Set the necessary boundaries. Get yourself and your mom into counseling if needed.
You’re at a crossroads here. You can keep repeating the same mistakes and let your mom’s issues torpedo another marriage, or you can break the cycle and build a healthy, sustainable family life with your wife and kid. The choice is yours, but I think you know which path leads to a happier future.
I’m rooting for you. Take a stand for yourself and your little family. It won’t be easy, but it’s so necessary. Be strong, be loving, and be wise. You’ve got this.