I know that this will sound like an “incel”/”nice guy” rant (is that what they call it nowadays?), but I guarantee you that it isn’t. I look decent for my age, am physically fit, I am very social (I go to different meetups 2-3 times per week plus golfing with my buddies on weekends), have put in a lot of effort into dating, and have a lot of hobbies. I do woodworking crafts, I love to read, I golf, and am very active politically. I have worked on the campaigns for several congressmen and senators in my area. On weekends, I volunteer at an animal shelter or a local VA hospital. My friends would describe me as a very amiable, social person. I have probably asked out about 50+ women throughout my life, in real life or on dating sites.
I’m not a particularly religious person, but I do lean somewhat towards the right politically, and I was raised with a very “traditional” kind of upbringing. Ever since I was a young lad, I have always wanted the stereotypical “house, wife, two kids, and a picket fence” once I grew up. But horrible success with dating has set me off, and I am starting to get extremely frustrated with the whole “don’t worry, love will come to you when you least expect it”.
I tried going to college when I was 18. On several occasions, I tried to push myself socially by going to more parties. I did go to several, and the closest I ever got to getting a girlfriend (at that time) was on one occasion when everyone was drunk and I was making out with this one girl. But she left the party before I could take things further with her, and I never saw her again after that. My study habits were very poor, so I did a lot of classes on and off while working odd jobs until I was 23. At that point, my parents told me to drop out of school, and I got a job as a part-time manager (this was about 1977), and after about six months, I was given more hours and got a pay raise.
At that point, I was so busy with work that I had little time to date – all of my free time was spent hanging out with friends or working on my hobbies. I also heeded the advice of people who said “work on yourself first”. And that’s exactly what I had tried – by the time I was 30, I had moved up several positions at my job and was making $60k per year plus benefits, and that’s roughly what I make today. I know that my job is not very prestigious, but I like what I do, I work 50 hours a week, and I make enough money to pay my bills and live comfortably.
Come about 2000, I start signing up for these dating sites, and would later join sites like OkCupid and Tinder for dates (I never really desired to get hookups). I DID end up going on one date from OkCupid in 2008. The date was nice, I went out with a very attractive woman who was about 48 at the time, but she stopped texting me after the first date.
Since then, I have been on a lot of dating sites. I have done everything that people have asked: I have worked on myself, am very stable mentally and financially, am very social and always actively seek out opportunities to meet more people. I have a very awesome, fulfilling life, I enjoy so much of what I do, but I can’t help but feel upset about my complete lack of dating in life. I find it strange that I have put such an immense amount of effort into dating to reap no reward whatsoever.
I sometimes consider that my age might be the culprit. But one of my neighbors, who is 85, had his wife recently pass away. And several months later, he got into a relationship with another woman who is 77.
I mean, what the hell is wrong with me? I am so sick and tired of people saying these cliche statements like “don’t worry, it will come” or “just stop looking and then it will happen when you least expect it”.
I appreciate your honesty in sharing your struggles with finding a romantic partner, but I think it’s time for some tough love. Based on what you’ve told me, there’s a good chance that there’s something deeper going on here that’s holding you back from forming meaningful connections with women.
Now, I’m not saying you’re a lost cause or that there’s no hope for you. But if you’ve been putting in all this effort for so long with zero results, it’s time to take a hard look in the mirror and ask yourself what the real problem might be.
The first step is to get some brutally honest feedback from a close male friend who you trust to give it to you straight. Ask them if there’s something about your behavior or demeanor that might be off-putting to women, and be prepared to hear some hard truths.
Once you have a better idea of what the issue might be, you can start working on fixing it. That might mean getting some professional help to work on your social skills, or just putting in the effort to be more engaging and dynamic in your interactions with others.
But let’s be real – at your age, the dating pool is a lot smaller than it used to be. Most women in their 50s and 60s aren’t hanging out on Tinder or OkCupid. If you want to meet someone, you need to go where they are.
That might mean getting involved in some seniors meetup groups or taking classes aimed at retired folks. Volunteering is also a great way to meet people, but you need to be strategic about it. An animal shelter might not be the best place to meet women, but a soup kitchen or a local church group could be a goldmine.
Speaking of church, even if you’re not particularly religious, it’s worth considering as a way to meet people. Most folks your age are pretty involved in their church communities, and many churches run volunteer programs or social events that could be a great way to expand your social circle.
The bottom line is this: if you want different results, you need to try different things. Keep putting yourself out there, but be honest with yourself about what might be holding you back. With a little self-reflection and some strategic socializing, there’s no reason you can’t find the connection you’re looking for.
Best of luck.