I have been with my husband for about 2 years and as our relationship continues I just cant shake the feeling that he is gay and not just bisexual. When he first got together he had grindr downloaded on his phone but there was not identifiable information about himself as well as looking like he only used it for hookups. Well was trying to because he never responded to any messages that he received. When he used to watch porn I found that it was only ever trans female that had not transitioned yet or gay porn.
When we first started dated we did not have sex for months but he would always initiate like we were going to have sex but it never happened. For months things would get hot and heavy but nothing came of it even though he was always telling me how horny he was and he could have sex every day. After speaking with him about it he told me that he had a history of an STI and was scared to transfer it to me. That of course I understand but then it made me think “why were you trying to hook up with people on grindr if that was the case?”
After like 4-5 months being together we finally did have sex but he no longer initiates anything, and it is MAYBE once a week. Even when I express to him that I want to his response is most often along the lines of giggling and saying im crazy or just heart reacting to my message.
I did bring this up to him at one point and told him that it makes me very self conscious and worried. He assured me that it was just something that was a him problem and he has been tired or cant find time that works for us both. After two days of just not having that sit right with me he tells me that he thinks I have “an odor”. Which only confuses me more. I know I am a very clean person but if this is his problem then I’ll do better I guess?
I have tried to talk to him about but it seems sensitive. He is bisexual which his family doesnt know and maybe only a handful of his friends know if that. His family is very conservative and he is in the military which makes me feel like he authentic with his wants because of what his family and those around him might say. I love him regardless but this really eats at me sometimes especially since he is not very willing to talk about it.
Dear Concerned Partner,
While I understand your desire to give your husband the benefit of the doubt, it’s crucial that you prioritize your own well-being and get to the bottom of this situation before investing more time and energy into a relationship that may not be meeting your needs.
The inconsistencies in your husband’s behavior, from his Grindr usage to his lack of initiation in the bedroom, raise valid concerns about his true desires and commitment to your marriage. It’s not fair for you to be left in a state of constant doubt and confusion, wondering if your partner is genuinely attracted to you or if he’s grappling with unresolved issues regarding his sexual identity.
While his conservative family background and military career may make it challenging for him to fully express himself, it’s not an excuse for him to avoid open and honest communication with you. Marriage requires trust, vulnerability, and a willingness to work through difficult conversations together.
It’s time to sit your husband down and have a frank discussion about your concerns. Let him know that you need clarity about his feelings and intentions, and that you won’t settle for vague excuses or deflections anymore. If he’s truly committed to your relationship, he should be willing to engage in this conversation with empathy and openness.
If he continues to avoid the issue or dismiss your feelings, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship altogether. You deserve a partner who is fully present, honest, and dedicated to building a life with you. Don’t waste any more precious time in a marriage that leaves you feeling unfulfilled and uncertain.
Trust your instincts and prioritize your own happiness. Have the difficult conversations now, and be prepared to make tough decisions if your husband is unwilling or unable to meet you halfway. You are worthy of a love that is unambiguous, passionate, and true.
Wishing you strength and clarity.