My husband (41m) and I (34f) have our finances pretty separate. We each have our own accounts and the only thing in both of our names is our house and his car. He makes about 2x what I make and we split expenses up in a way we both felt was fair and manageable for each of us while both working on our own personal credit card debt we brought into the relationship. One of the things he covers is the mortgage in full. He works in accounting and I work in education, I have never been great at managing my money so he does my monthly budget for me and has access to all of my accounts and knows what my debts are.
There has always been a veil of secrecy around his situation but he has always assured me everything was fine on his end, money was always tight but he was always almost caught up. When I would ask specific questions he would get kind of defensive and I felt it wasn’t worth digging for more info and took his word on things.
Taking his word on things was pretty naive of me considering our biggest issues in the past had revolved around him lying. When we first started dating he told me he was taking classes towards his masters degree. I found out that he was actually in a Bachelor’s program when he had told me he had already had his bachelor’s degree. When I confronted him he apologized, told me he was embarrassed and felt ashamed that I was more educated than he was at the time. I let it slide because he seemed genuinely apologetic and I felt bad he was embarrassed.
More recently about a year after our son was born I had mentioned that he smelled like cigarette smoke a few times and he said “that’s weird.” A few months later I found a lighter and spray under the seat in one of our cars. He told me the lighter was in case the locks froze in winter but didn’t know what the spray was. A couple months after that I found a pack of cigarettes in his jacket pocket while I was looking for his keys and he confessed to smoking the whole time.
Then again, about a year ago I was clued in that he might be having trouble when I had a notice for a late payment on my credit report. I checked immediately and saw he didn’t make his car payment. When I asked him he got defensive and stated that he has the account auto pay and he doesn’t know why they wouldn’t have taken it out. I asked him to please call them to have it straightened out as I didn’t want the hit to my credit and he was frustrated and said he would but nothing came of it and I let it go because the conversations were so unpleasant. I asked him to please tell me if he was struggling with the bills and his money situation and he said it was all fine.
Flash forward to a few days ago I got a notice that we were behind on daycare payments. I asked him what was going on why they were only getting partial payment I could tell he was lying. He was immediately defensive, said he put in a form months ago for them to do automatic withdrawal from his account but they never did so while he was waiting he would bring them “however much the ATM would let me take out at a time” in cash. I couldn’t let this go as I felt in my bones he was lying and I asked him if things were ok and did he need help, was the mortgage current? He said yeah it should be. Then I asked again and begged him to tell me the l truth and I found out he hadn’t paid the mortgage in 11 months.
He says he is sorry, he feels bad. He didn’t know what to do. About a year ago his health insurance costs increased dramatically and he could no longer afford the mortgage. Instead of asking me to take on the insurance through my job or talking to me at all he decided to just not pay it. I was pregnant at the time so he didn’t want to drop the insurance. He didn’t tell me any of this because he didn’t want to stress me out. He tells me about a week ago he applied for some kind of relief program, so waiting to hear back on that. If that isn’t approved we go into foreclosure.
I keep talking about it I feel betrayed and angry, he just says he’s sorry he doesn’t know what else to say. He maintains he did it to protect me but it certainly doesn’t feel like it. Then he tells me he was just scared to tell me. I asked for full transparency and to see all of his accounts and he was first angry and said “so now I’m being babysat? That sucks” but later he reluctantly let me see his bank accounts. As far as I can tell no gambling or drug addiction or anything crazy just living beyond our means and an alarming amount of door dash charges.
I always knew he would lie about things that weren’t super important but thought he was overall a responsible, reasonable person and I never in a million years would have imagined he would do something like this to our family. Is this something we could come back from? How big a deal is lying like this?
Your husband’s pattern of lying, culminating in the massive deception about your mortgage, has understandably shattered your trust in him. It’s not just the scale of this particular lie, but the fact that it follows a history of dishonesty about his education and smoking.
You’re right to feel angry and betrayed. His defensiveness and reluctance to be fully transparent only compound the problem. While he claims he hid the truth about the mortgage to protect you from stress during pregnancy, his actions have had the opposite effect — putting your family’s financial stability and housing situation in serious jeopardy.
The fact that he unilaterally decided not to pay the mortgage for 11 months, without looping you in as an equal partner, is a major violation of the trust and respect you deserve in your marriage. It’s not surprising you’re questioning whether you can move forward from this.
While his deception doesn’t seem to stem from substance abuse or gambling issues, the revelation of living beyond your means and excessive takeout spending highlights the need for a serious overhaul of your financial habits and communication.
Before you can even contemplate rebuilding trust, your husband needs to take full accountability for his actions, commit to complete transparency about your finances, and be willing to put in the hard work to regain your faith in him. Counseling is essential to unpack his motivations for lying and develop healthier communication skills as a couple.
In the meantime, you need to prioritize protecting yourself and your child. Consult with a financial advisor to assess your options, and don’t hesitate to loop in a lawyer if the foreclosure threat becomes a reality. Rally a support network of friends and family to lean on during this difficult chapter.
Your husband’s lies have put you in an incredibly painful position, and it’s natural to have doubts about your future together. Only you can decide if there’s a path forward, but it starts with his genuine remorse, total transparency, and commitment to change. You deserve honesty, equality, and security in your marriage — don’t settle for less.
Wishing you strength and clarity,