My wife and I have been married for about 10 years and have two small kids. We both work, but we have separate bank accounts (partly because she is bad at managing money), though we do split bills, etc. My job pays a bit more. Recently, some bad financial stuff has come to light.
About 6 months ago, my wife revealed to me that she had racked up about $10,000 in credit card debt, and the interest was getting away from her. At the time she told me, it all suddenly made sense why she had been asking me for money at the end of the month for several months running—it was because she was struggling to pay off the debt. After a tough conversation, we got a low(er)-interest bank loan to pay off the credit cards, and we worked out a monthly payment plan to get it paid off within 3 years.
Now—after several more months of continuing to struggle financially despite a pretty good combined income—I started really digging into our financials, seeing where all our hard-earned money is going, and trying to create a strict monthly budget. During this period of increased scrutiny, I asked my wife about several reoccurring expenses on her account. After some evasiveness, she revealed that she had OTHER CREDIT CARDS that she hadn’t previously told me about—totaling another $20k or so in debt, with horrendous interest rates!!
Needless to say, I was flabbergasted by the debt and her untruthful was about it. After another difficult conversation, we’ve figured out all the debt (I believe), and now we’re working to pay it off. Because my job pays more and I’m a penny-pincher, this largely means me paying the debts.
Now I’m not happy about the secret spending and untruthfulness, let alone being stuck with the bill. But what’s really getting me is how she’s acting resentful toward me because apparently I make her feel bad by paying her debts for her. She also has been super unmotivated to get these debts paid, and I feel like all forward progress has come via me nagging and nagging her.
Example: I had to nag her for DAYS before she would do a phone call so I could pay off one of her cards. Then, afterward I made a comment about making progress in the right direction, and her response was basically that I’m doing this for my own satisfaction and am making her feel bad for not being able to pay her own debts. Not to mention she constantly complains about the forced austerity I’m advocating until the debts are paid.
I’m about at my wits end and feel like I’m in a one person team here in terms of finances. My specific question is: how do I regain trust in my wife regarding finances, and how do we avoid this problem happening again?
Your wife’s spending and secrecy have understandably left you feeling betrayed, resentful, and alone in trying to clean up the financial mess. But as valid as your feelings are, they won’t help you achieve the outcome you want: a trusting partnership and healthy approach to money.
It sounds like your wife, even as she’s getting bailed out, is struggling with feelings of shame and loss of control. The more you pay off her debts and scrutinize her spending, the more infantilized and resentful she feels. Her lack of motivation may stem from that – a sense that it’s not really “her” cleanup anymore since you’ve taken over. So first, take a deep breath and understand there are complex emotions behind her behavior.
Next, it’s time to reframe this situation, both to yourself and to her. Instead of a parent/child dynamic, approach it as a team effort to get your marriage and family on stable financial footing. Have a calm conversation where you acknowledge your shared goal of being responsible about money. Ask her to commit to full transparency about finances – no separate accounts or secret debts. Frame it not as punishment, but as building a foundation of trust that your marriage needs.
Then, make a plan TOGETHER to pay down the debt and stick to a budget. Having her participate will give her ownership and control, vs. feeling like it’s all being imposed upon her. If she is truly “bad with money,” maybe she can handle tracking expenses while you oversee the big picture. The point is to work as partners, not adversaries.
I also strongly urge you both to attend financial counseling, and perhaps marriage counseling too. Your wife needs to unpack the roots of her spending/secrecy and learn better habits. You may need to examine any enabling or nagging behaviors. And you both need to learn to communicate openly about money. A neutral third party can help with all of this.
With empathy, teamwork and professional guidance, you can heal the emotional and financial breaches. Stay focused on the endgame – a marriage of honesty and shared responsibility. It will take time and hard work, but you can get there together.