I’m struggling and need some advice. My husband has severe anger issues and often has explosive outbursts. It’s reached the point where he’s thrown things and even punched and shattered our tv. Every time this happens, he apologizes sincerely but also tells me that I make him so mad and push him too far, which is why he reacts this way.
We’ve been married for ten years, and this behavior has been happening on and off the entire time. I have three kids, and I’m worried about the impact this environment is having on them.
I’ve tried talking to him before, telling him point-blank that his behavior needs to stop, but it never does. He often tells me that his anger is my fault, claiming that I provoke him or push him too far. I find myself constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering another outburst, but it feels like no matter what I do, it’s never enough.
I want to approach this situation in a way that is healthy for me and my kids, but I’m struggling to stop feeling like it’s my fault. How can I approach him about his anger issues, and how can I stop feeling responsible for his behavior?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s a painful and incredibly difficult situation, and I want to make one thing crystal clear: Your husband’s anger issues and outbursts are not your fault. Not even a little bit.
It’s a classic tactic of abusers to blame their victims for their own unacceptable behavior. By telling you that you make him so mad and push him too far, your husband is shifting the responsibility for his actions onto you. But the truth is, no matter what you say or do, his reaction is his choice. Explosive anger and violence are never an appropriate response, period.
Your husband needs to own his actions and stop shifting the blame. No one can “make” him do anything. He’s an adult with agency and control over his own behavior. By suggesting that you’re provoking him or pushing him too far, he’s not only refusing to take responsibility for his actions but also implying that his anger is justified. It’s not. There’s no justification for his behavior, and it’s crucial that he acknowledges that.
You’ve been living with this for a decade, which means your normal meter is likely way off. Walking on eggshells, trying to manage someone else’s moods and outbursts, constantly second-guessing yourself – that’s not a healthy way to live. It’s also not a healthy environment for your children. They’re undoubtedly being affected by the tension and volatility in the home.
Separating is a brave and important step. It’s a clear message that his behavior is unacceptable. But I think you need to go a step further and make it clear that he needs to get professional help for his anger issues if there’s any hope of reconciling. And even then, you have every right to decide that you’re done and that you need to prioritize your own well-being and that of your kids.
In the meantime, please seek support for yourself. Look into individual counseling to help you process this trauma and rebuild your self-esteem. Surround yourself with friends and family who remind you of your worth. You’ve spent so long contorting yourself to try to keep the peace, but it’s time to stand up straight and refuse to take the blame for someone else’s dysfunction.
You and your children deserve to feel safe, loved, and respected in your own home. That is non-negotiable. If your husband is unwilling or unable to provide that, then you owe it to yourself and to them to create it on your own. It won’t be easy, but I promise you have the strength to get through this. And you are absolutely, unequivocally not at fault.
Wishing you clarity and peace